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Position:Home>Poetry> I know this needs work, but could you *please* give me your thoughts on it so faQuestion:It's 2 in the afternoon But it feels like it's 2 in the morning Cause the atmosphere is so dark And inside it's storming. Words and fists are flying. The little girl runs for cover. She makes it to the basement Just as a lamp is broken. The mom barely survived the storm 20 years ago She was where her daughter is now When her own dad almost killed her. Now it's 2 in the afternoon But it feels like it's 2 in the morning Cause the atmosphere is so dark And inside it's storming. She's thinking about this cycle When she hears screams and shots She turns to see her baby crying Her little girl's holding a gun While daddy's on the floor dying. It's 2 in the afternoon But it feels like it's 2 in the morning Cause the atmosphere is so dark And inside it's storming. The screaming never seems to stop Then she realizes it's the sirens. Everything seems to be a blur. She just now realizes she's bleeding. It's finally the calm after the storm. She prays that this cycle has ended. Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: It's 2 in the afternoon But it feels like it's 2 in the morning Cause the atmosphere is so dark And inside it's storming. Words and fists are flying. The little girl runs for cover. She makes it to the basement Just as a lamp is broken. The mom barely survived the storm 20 years ago She was where her daughter is now When her own dad almost killed her. Now it's 2 in the afternoon But it feels like it's 2 in the morning Cause the atmosphere is so dark And inside it's storming. She's thinking about this cycle When she hears screams and shots She turns to see her baby crying Her little girl's holding a gun While daddy's on the floor dying. It's 2 in the afternoon But it feels like it's 2 in the morning Cause the atmosphere is so dark And inside it's storming. The screaming never seems to stop Then she realizes it's the sirens. Everything seems to be a blur. She just now realizes she's bleeding. It's finally the calm after the storm. She prays that this cycle has ended. Not bad. There's really no rhythm to it, though. Stanzas 1, 4, and 6 give it an "A-B-C-B" rhythm but then there is no flow with the rest of the poem. Also, stanza 5 is longer than the others and has an "A-B-C-D-C" pattern. I can appreciate poets who try to do something different, and I get the sense that that's what you were going for but there are still some basic rules of writing that should be followed. Hope this helps. Keep writing; I think you can really make this an awesome poem! |