Comment on my Poem??

Question:These marks upon her wrists
These tales upon her soul
of one night...
then many years
of one heartbreak...
then many sorrows
The damage leaks into her fervent beauty
Once uncaptured and unchallenged,
now torn and broken.
No longer innocent
No longer loving
No longer living

*please keep in mind that this is a rough draft that was written in about five minutes. I will most likely be making some changes but would like to hear some opinions on it.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: These marks upon her wrists
These tales upon her soul
of one night...
then many years
of one heartbreak...
then many sorrows
The damage leaks into her fervent beauty
Once uncaptured and unchallenged,
now torn and broken.
No longer innocent
No longer loving
No longer living

*please keep in mind that this is a rough draft that was written in about five minutes. I will most likely be making some changes but would like to hear some opinions on it.

I think you have some talent! Your cadence is a bit off on the 7th and 8th lines, but your thoughts and use of language are outstanding. The word "Once" shouldn't have a capitalization. Periods after all three "no longer..." sentences for both grammar and effect. Don't use "..." in your work. Your words already present the mood and pause. No need to use what my proff used to call punctuation for idiots (..., ! and - were the most hated.) Allow your words to convey the emotions. You are eloquent and well spoken. The poem took me immediately to that dark place from which you speak. Wonderful, moody, inventive and sincere. I like it.

i like it ...depressing.. but really good

its really good. it kinda changes in the middle from someone who was 1. self-cutting or 2. someone who was abused by cutting or somthign like that to someone who was abused sexually? im a little confused but its still AMAZING expecially in 5 min.s!

I think it's very good
maybe change 'leaks' into 'seeps'
but that is only a suggestion!!
Keep writing!

I did not like it at all because even though it is a rough draft you don't seem like you're going to be very poetic in your final draft in any case.

i really love it, its really deep and touching and although it may be a bit sad or depressing, its still really good

i like it

kinda depressing but good =]

sveeeeet

Let it be leak, it is the Mott juiced. I can't see the need for any changes. Every line, every word, every dot, belongs there.This poem is a sledgehammer. Every now and then we get it right the first time.

i think its good