Branching out into love poems. I hit my head hard. how is this.?

Question:"foreva"

We always swore we'd never part,
our love is only at the start.
Nothing you do, drives me away,
can this be? Is there a way?

My love for you is deep inside,
damned I am, my foolish pride.
For you I know, there are no cures,
my heart foreva is all yours.

Sunshine lights your perfect face,
my fantasy, you dressed in lace.
My love for you cannot be seen,
I'm all alone, my soul is clean.

I've waited weeks, maybe more,
should we be, what else in store.
I sit right here stuck in my place,
and I love your soft tan face.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: "foreva"

We always swore we'd never part,
our love is only at the start.
Nothing you do, drives me away,
can this be? Is there a way?

My love for you is deep inside,
damned I am, my foolish pride.
For you I know, there are no cures,
my heart foreva is all yours.

Sunshine lights your perfect face,
my fantasy, you dressed in lace.
My love for you cannot be seen,
I'm all alone, my soul is clean.

I've waited weeks, maybe more,
should we be, what else in store.
I sit right here stuck in my place,
and I love your soft tan face.

its a real masterpeice Steve. Its sad how true it is.. Something are just not possible, no matter how much you want them to be. The love you feel for her is shared, I know it is.. But really its forbidden love, it could never happen. The way you think of her brings me to tears.. You have such a great mind to think of her so perfectly! Its not forced like the others say.. Maybe I think that cuz I know what it all means, and it fits. Or maybe I think that cuz I know everything in this poem flowed straight from your heart, into the paper.... But that's my opinion. Thank you for posting such a terrific poem..

it sounds sweet. i like it cuz the meaning is very clear.....its a nice poem..keep it up

Its pretty good , i just not fellin the last to lines. besides that , i wouldn't change a thing

As in the "Shining" JN said "I'm back"; I have suggestions.

I'd drop the foreva, no offense I get it.

I'm a bit uncomfortable with RHYME anyway, even though I engage in it, but so often we force it to fit.

Certainly if directed at anyone, it speaks feelings, and I'll add only one more suggestion.

First of all "STUCK" is probably at the authors choice. Hopefully the object of the piece is not strictly what all life revolves around,,,BUT the last line I'd change, if you keep the rest of the context too,,, I "MISS" your tanned face. or tan blushed face.

Kudos for the effort and finding some light.

Steven Wolf

Honestly DP, the poem is nice. I'm happy you're in love. I just wish that you would've added that extra UMMMPHH! to it like all your dark poems.

THIS IS GOOD !!!

It was nice until you said

'...My love for you cannot be seen,
I'm all alone, my soul is clean...'

-and-

'...and I love your soft tan face...'

That just seemed very forced to me. But other than that I liked where you were going with it. Try not to force a rhyme.... forcing a rhyme can change the flow of poem with so much emotion and feeling into something... well... fake. Always remember when you write to just write how you feel first and then make changes later. If you just write without stopping, *don't even stop for spelling/gramatical errors until afterward* you'll see that it's actually a lot better then you thought it'd be. Just something I try to do each and everytime I write poetry. Especially romantic poetry... that cannot sound forced at all or it'll come out sounding cheesy... like 'Roses are red... violets are blue... sugar is sweet... and so are you...' type stuff and you don't want that.

But good job....

You'd make a good major league pitcher, you throw em hard and raw, then you have a change-up that drives em wild. Good work.

I think it's pretty good.
Some of it seems kinda forced.
The last line could be better.
Nice work:)

Sometimes it just doesn't seem worth the effort does it? Well, you know how I feel, so write on, however it is!

Ahh.. you did hit your head hard! jusk kidding, lol.

It like it. It's good to branch out occasionally. Good job. :D

Very passionate. And I get why you used 'foreva'. That was a good bump on your head - lol.

thats very sweet steve, great work, sounds like it comes right from the heart.

Glad to see a little sunshine here - even though the person doesn't seem to be too happy - what place is he stuck in?
Suggestion - after my fantasy use a semi-colon or a dash.
This will make the reader pause, just for a moment.
My fantasy - you dressed in lace. It reads more naturally, rather like some-one answering a question. What is your fantasy? Answer My fantasy (now let me see?) you dressed in lace. I know this may seem picky, but to move a poem up from okay to good you need to do these little things.
(Whould we be? What else is in store?)

I agree with others - the last line needs work.
I should like to see a love poem with more concrete images. For example,

As I lie here in my restless bed
Thoughts of you invade my head.
How your dress clings to your thighs
How the sun dances in your eyes.
The scattering of freckles across your face
With the delicate beauty of spider's lace
Sunlight makes stripes across my room
Like the patterned colours from a weaver's loom
Creating an echo of my jumbled thoughts -
Of the light and darkness love has brought
I lie here in my crumpled bed
With nothing but you inside my head.

I've just written this, so I haven't started the cleaning up, punctuating bit. I just wanted to illustrate the way that you can create a picture of love by using real objects, and descriptive phrases.

Keep on, keeping on.

Nice job for a spring morning.