True Vogan 3, part 2. Please coment on this last half.?

Question:At times life is a muddle, like a big dirty puddle.
Come on over here and give me a cuddle.
To another marry, being happy having a child to carry.
But dont name him Harry.
Name him Bob, then he will always be good at his job and for him you will never have to sob.
Now the children become old themselves, putting their youth away on age worn shelves.
Then the circle begins once again, take away strife, take away my pain.
Crying, smiling, living, dieing.
We are born to die and die to live.
Open our hearts and from them to others, love to them give.
Please dont let it spill through lifes sive.
Let us in love all rejoice, let us in love all live with the choice.

Wolfen.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: At times life is a muddle, like a big dirty puddle.
Come on over here and give me a cuddle.
To another marry, being happy having a child to carry.
But dont name him Harry.
Name him Bob, then he will always be good at his job and for him you will never have to sob.
Now the children become old themselves, putting their youth away on age worn shelves.
Then the circle begins once again, take away strife, take away my pain.
Crying, smiling, living, dieing.
We are born to die and die to live.
Open our hearts and from them to others, love to them give.
Please dont let it spill through lifes sive.
Let us in love all rejoice, let us in love all live with the choice.

Wolfen.

You have some great imagery there.
I love "putting their youth away on age-worn shelves"
Do you ever feel that you have got some unnecessary text there or is it all needed? Only you know but remember that often less is more and poetry, especially, should be as spare as possible. Watch the spelling and keep on paring and polishing. Poetry is a craft as well as an art; think of yourself as a master wood-carver or a potter.
Keep it up!

Wolfen, I am truly sorry - but the first part of this is absolutely dreadful. You are putting together something which consists of what is known as 'desperate rhymes' ie - stick anything together, never mind the sense just so long as it rhymes.

I know you say only comment on the last half - is that because you know this first bit is terrible?

The second part has certain something - but, if you are posting for guidance it is okay to submit something which has not been tidied up and checked. If you are posting for approval of your poems - do all that first.

The line about the children and the shelves is a good one - but why is it set out as one great big line?
Ditto next line
dying (not dieing)
Open our hearts - this line doesn't make sense.....Open your hearts, and from ? to others , love to them give (mm this is a sentence backwards to make the rhyme fit)
Please don't let it spill through life's sieve - a nice line, spoiled by grammar and spelling error.
I have been harsh, I know. But, take away the rubbish at the beginning (I assume that was some kind of joke) set out the work so that it obeys at least some poetic rules, and you have the makings of a good poem.