Position:Home>Poetry> What do you think of the poem I wrote last night? [sorry if it sucks I'm a b

Ummm...how old are you? No offense, but you sound like a 13-year-old desperately trying to sound emo.

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Not bad, I like it. It would be better to put in stanza form. Its definitely a cool message, and i write about similar stuff. Keep going.

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Urrrmm... sounds too lame. Sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like a poem. More like a piece of writing in your diary.

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Not bad at all. I guess there's more to it than just a mere poetry. I think you need professional help. Find your support group.

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Re-structure this a bit better and I think it's great!
Lonliness, Tears and Silver Guns is a great title too.

For instance:

I feel like I'm falling
Into a black abyss.
Nothing can save me
Not even your kiss.

My heart is broken,
My eyes filled with tears,
Nobody loves me;
Nobody cares.

All I wanted was you to be there,
To hold me in your arms;
Tell me you cared, but the truth is
You'll never be there.

Who was I kidding
To think that you would?
I've been abandoned
Since childhood.

My dad he's beat me;
He'd call me names.
The kids at school;
They like to play games

To see who could call me
The most horrible of names.
They tease. They taunt,
They laugh, they jeer.

None to help me.
No place to run.
How do I escape
Their merciless fun?

I got home and reached for the gun.
I think to myself
this should end
Their mercilous fun.

I aim the gun at my head;
I hope they regret
The things they did
And said.

I pull the trigger
One Two Three
This is the end.
The end of me.

All I ever asked was
For someone to love me,
Nobody did. That's why three
Bullets went straight to my head.

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Wow! This is a helluva piece of writing. Terrific Job!!!!

P.S. Many of us are quite familiar with that black abyss and know exactly what your are talking about. Get through school and don't let the "little brains" get to you and mess up your life. Your greatest revenge is that someday, you'll probably be their boss! :O))) Hang in there kiddo and keep writing, you've got something worth hearing and writing about.

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Now, please -- you must know your poem is very good, mainly because you were able to put your feelings on paper; and you did it in a very compelling way.

Is the poem about you? I ask only because the poem could be about my own son -- learning disabled and a bit different than the "norm" -- and teased cruelly almost every day. People wonder why there are so many teenage suicides and school shootings -- instead of history or trigonometry, why don't we have classes that teach students how to respect and treat their fellow classmates with kindness ???

Getting back to your poem and the chance you might be describing yourself -- please don't harm yourself for many reasons:

1. Those cruel kids at school will not view your death with regret and guilt ... because they are not human and have no feelings.

2. This sounds tacky, but God really loves you; you are not alone ("Footprints in the Sand").

3. And proof of God's love is the extraordinary talent he has blessed you with ... evident in your incredible poem written above.

4. Ignore those bullies and be confident that one day you will be famous, admired and loved by all the people who find your poetry appeals to their spirit ... And all the while your school buddies have grown up to be failures, drinking their empty lives away ...

Keep writing !!

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in the beginning, u should change "nobody loves me" to "nobody hears me"

also , it would be better if u didnt repeat phrases like "merciless fun", play around with the words, like instead"heartless laughter" or their "unforgiving jeers"

to improve later poems, try not to come out with the message. in other words, dont say your father hurt you, hide it in words so the reader has to search and think about the message.

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