Hey Could Someone Please Read This?

Question:What do you think of this small poem.. its not exactly finished, but for now what needs work? Rate out of 10 please.

Show me how to live this life that I could've given you,
you'd do better at my game,
even the sunny skies don't give me a smile,
the darkest coldest street blinding my eyes
and handing me a lost love which i'd found
but that you've never seen with me
I need an easy exit
Or better yet, a new entry
Where you can lead with me
And let me know what its like
What its like to scream
At the top of my lungs
What its like to hold every second
And never want to let it go,
What its like to open my eyes
And see for the first time.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: What do you think of this small poem.. its not exactly finished, but for now what needs work? Rate out of 10 please.

Show me how to live this life that I could've given you,
you'd do better at my game,
even the sunny skies don't give me a smile,
the darkest coldest street blinding my eyes
and handing me a lost love which i'd found
but that you've never seen with me
I need an easy exit
Or better yet, a new entry
Where you can lead with me
And let me know what its like
What its like to scream
At the top of my lungs
What its like to hold every second
And never want to let it go,
What its like to open my eyes
And see for the first time.

10+
Now, mail it to yourself. Do not ever open it, it is a poor mans patten, made legal, because of the federal post mark. Try not to let 60,000 people review your poetry, else you will someday hear it on the radio as a song. You've been hurt and that's your hook.
"Peaky-Boo, I can see through you"...

7.5

whats the point of it sounds ok

Hey. Thats good. 9.5 out of 10

9/10

i prefer rhyming ones, but its really clever, make it longer!!!!!!!! its good :-)

wow that was pretty good I give it an 8

Im sorry but i wasnt very good. I got bored at the first sentaence. Well i will give it a 4. srry :'(

Ya its ok

Wow fantastic

5 out of 10

pretty good. 8 out of 10. The beginning is great, but the ending kinda get a little weak...

9/10
VERY GOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow that had deep meaning!!
9

8.5; really good and really descriptive, great use of imagery and emotion

8.5 - 9
i think thats really beautiful. your wording is amazing.

WOW! 9/10 that was fantabulous! lol

I agree with 7.5

It needs to be more clear and it does not really flow to well. It is hard to give advice on poetry because it is all so unique and different. It is a good start and you have talent but it could be better. Keep on practicing. Good luck.

good job that's better than a kangaroo steak (aka 1 kangaroo steak= 9.5)

Glad its not a rhyming one...They are easy to make

8 this is you poem in spanish:Mostrarse me cómo vivir esto vida ese YO podía dado usted , you'd hacer mejor a my juego , pareja el soleado esquiador no seas déme un sonrisa , el obscurecer frío calle deslumbrante my ojos y proximidad me un perdido amor qué i'd fundar pero ese you've jamás visto conmigo Necesito un fácil salida O mejor aún , un nuevo entrada Dónde usted lata plomo conmigo Y hazme saber qué su como Qué su como hasta grito Al cima de my pulmones Qué su como hasta agarro cada second Y jamás querer hasta arrendar ella andar , Qué su como abrir my ojos Y ver por primera vez.

Thats like breaking the scale I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didnt really like the beginning but I did like the end I would say 8.5

That poem has an awesome start but a weak finish. 6/10

it sounds sooo beutiful i rate it at 10 no 11 its so sad ,but beutiful i love it!!

To be honest, it's pretty cliche. I hate to be blunt about it and honestly don't mean to insult you, but you did ask for opinions. Just doesn't seem to be doing anything different. Sorry. 4/10.

wow that is pretty godd. uhhh 7

its smart symbolically. from reading this i think that you used to be unappreciative of your life & the beauty of the world, but now you can. I think that you should take out the sunny skies line because it condradicts the end of the poem about opening your eyes. you should change it to something like this:
even the gentle thumping of rain against the windowsill couldnt give me peace

everyone has their own way of writing. poems are art, letting your mind wonder and be free. in my opinion, i couldnt understand the first couple of lines and i was lost at the "you'd do better at my game"? u also shouldnt really need opinions on poems. its personal writing and if it makes sense to you, who cares after that.