How could i make this poem sound better....?

Question:they walk on the sand
in the twilight
looking out across the horizon
only to see the
immense blue water
as if it goes on forever and ever.

im talking about an ocean in this poem..

please help. i suck at poetry!

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: they walk on the sand
in the twilight
looking out across the horizon
only to see the
immense blue water
as if it goes on forever and ever.

im talking about an ocean in this poem..

please help. i suck at poetry!

try using more creative or figurative language to make it interesting. Like instead of "they walk on the sand" try "They tread, steady across the sand" And since the horizon is definitively a "line of separation", you can look TOWARDS it, but not accross it....and the last 2 lines...how bout "immense saphire bliss" and "expanding infinately, it knows no bounds".

I like what you wrote. I think it is nice just the way it is. It promotes thought.

1. make it rhyme
2. there is no rhythm...make it flow like the ocean blue!!

you could slip in a line about false hope... since they think the ocean goes on forever, but it doesnt. but only if you wanted to. I like it the way it is also.

They walk on the sand
in the twilight
Looking out to see the horizon
and the immense blue water
as it stretches on
forever and ever.

For one, you cannot look across the horizon. You can look towards or at but not across. Is your ocean really blue? Maybe be more descriptive. Most oceans are murky greenish. Water is also kind of not needed, you could just say 'see the immense blue as if it goes on forever' but you would want to add more description as that could be the sky too...

It is clear that you are talking about the ocean though, good luck!

While walking on the sand
the Daying day's twilight rains
fixing into the horizon
seeing the neverending waves
the neverending water
the neverending shine

trying using more descriptive words and adjectives. For example, when talking about the horizon you might add something like "across the vast dim horizon" and try using more uncommon words.
I have to use a thesaurus every time i write a poem, try
www.thesaurus.com

hope that helps.

create a mood methinks it needs one like

ex: (instead of just "in the twilight")

ode to the twilight, creating illumination just so....
the land we walk glows with incandescence
sparkling against the reflect of moon.

yeah something like that.....do whatever u want

Tis YOUR poem I'm guessing you're as creative as anyone else, you can make an AWESOME poem!

a mixture of blue and sea foam green
the crispy blue sky made it seem like a dream
peals of water beating the shore
it is here for us all, to love and adore

I wish you were here, to share this with me
I want you to see the beauty I see,
I wish you could hear the sounds that I hear
I wish you would go and buy me a beer.

They walk among the dunes
in the twilight of the moon
Shimmering on the water
...Immense
...Blue
Look across the horizon
an indefinite stare
Feeling as if
They are the only ones there

Try this: Move the word "the" from the 4th line to the 5th line. Make a line break in the last line between "on" and "for." I don't know why you say you suck at poetry, because this one is pretty good.

well........you could start by rhyming a bit
that is what makes the flow of a poem,
you may also use more adjectives so as
to paint the picture for those that read it,
I'd say its all in the imagination