I just wrote this, plz read?

Question:uhhh, ok. i put this in the poetry section cause there is no other section for writing. i just wrote this, didn't really edit it or anything, and it might be kinda bad, and its not done but plz read and rate and stuff. thanx!

As the boy whisked through the lush grass, a few sprinkles of light mist allowed his brown hair to gather it up, one by one spreading across his scalp like a blanket of snow. His shoes, worn out soccer cleats, collected dirt and water as he trotted through the field, waxy brown earth clinging between spikes that protruded from the sole. His face was almost expressionless, yet a tint of thrill glazed across a pair of green eyes, sparkling a reflection of light. He enclosed upon the white ball patterned with black hexagons, and with the simplest touch of the foot, started bouncing it back and forth between his two feet; moving forward with a delicate balance, but yet such a grinding force. He was absorbed. His whole mind was on the ball, how it repeatedly skidded to and fro like a metronome. The ball glided forward, a scrawny figure becoming its' shadow.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: uhhh, ok. i put this in the poetry section cause there is no other section for writing. i just wrote this, didn't really edit it or anything, and it might be kinda bad, and its not done but plz read and rate and stuff. thanx!

As the boy whisked through the lush grass, a few sprinkles of light mist allowed his brown hair to gather it up, one by one spreading across his scalp like a blanket of snow. His shoes, worn out soccer cleats, collected dirt and water as he trotted through the field, waxy brown earth clinging between spikes that protruded from the sole. His face was almost expressionless, yet a tint of thrill glazed across a pair of green eyes, sparkling a reflection of light. He enclosed upon the white ball patterned with black hexagons, and with the simplest touch of the foot, started bouncing it back and forth between his two feet; moving forward with a delicate balance, but yet such a grinding force. He was absorbed. His whole mind was on the ball, how it repeatedly skidded to and fro like a metronome. The ball glided forward, a scrawny figure becoming its' shadow.

It's very descriptive, and the word choice is simply delightful... However, I can't help but feel that you're trying too hard to make it that way. An overload on the description is almost as bad as having no sensory details; sometimes, you need a bit of air in between to take a breath!

Other than that, I think it's fantastic :)

very descriptive... I like your word choice. :-)

fantastic this is great

Give this some thought. Does "a few sprinkles of light mist allowed his brown hair to gather it up, one by one spreading across his scalp like a blanket of snow" convey any important meaning? The mental picture is odd, and it really does not contribute to the rest of what you have written.

Ask yourself how a ball could have "skidded to and fro like a metronome?" That is a strained metaphor.

Consider what you want to say, then eliminate any description that does not accomplish that. You will find your prose will be crisper and more direct if you do not burden it with too many things that will distract your reader.

I think you have a good start here, and that you have a good sense of style, but you need to lighten your touch.

I can see it in my mind. Very good. Now what are you going to do with it? I'd really like to know.