Comment on my prose poem?

Question:my sis said this was a prose poem, and that it was very good. I wrote it for school, its a 100 word essay, so i could only make it 100 words, and no linking verbs. Thats why it kind of seems a little choppy (in my opinion). here it is:

The human barrier of children with intentions to humiliate me expanded as I struggled to get to the bus stop. Like a fly bumping against a window, I unsuccessfully tried crawling through, just to be thrown back out. They chanted discouraging words, forcing me to swallow my different, foreign voice and retreat, stomach sinking from a brand-new feeling: sorrow. A few tears leaked from my eyes as I watched grins appear on their faces and laughs escape their mouths. Feeling unwanted, I clumsily jogged back home, allowing tears to flutter back and tangle my hair. How could a child defend?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: my sis said this was a prose poem, and that it was very good. I wrote it for school, its a 100 word essay, so i could only make it 100 words, and no linking verbs. Thats why it kind of seems a little choppy (in my opinion). here it is:

The human barrier of children with intentions to humiliate me expanded as I struggled to get to the bus stop. Like a fly bumping against a window, I unsuccessfully tried crawling through, just to be thrown back out. They chanted discouraging words, forcing me to swallow my different, foreign voice and retreat, stomach sinking from a brand-new feeling: sorrow. A few tears leaked from my eyes as I watched grins appear on their faces and laughs escape their mouths. Feeling unwanted, I clumsily jogged back home, allowing tears to flutter back and tangle my hair. How could a child defend?

I thought it was pretty deep. I could feel the pain in this. Good Job!

good job

This is an excellent attempt, not to mention a very solid start. Creating anything using no linking verbs is an extemely difficult task to undergo without making any kind of mistakes. Having the paragraph make sense adds to the difficulty of such a mind teasing task. Taking your time to make sure you give a good picture of what is happening, the viewer will soon forget that there are no linking verbs to be found. Much like my answer to your question, anything is possible. Wouldn't you agree?

There are always excess words in all writings that make things choppy. It's the job of the writers to continue to read and re-read and edit their work, then submit and ask for the view of others so they can hone and polish the work. We all do it.

I think it feels clunky in one certain area too. I might suggest a few changes here:

"Tears filled my eyes as I saw their grinning faces and heard their laughter. Feeling rejected, I managed to jog my way back home and allow the stinging tears to flutter back off my face and tangle my hair. How could a child defend?"

(People only cry from their eyes and laugh from their mouths so there's no reason to use the words and it streamlines the thought you are trying to convey)
However, I think there are linking verbs in this and so my opinion is sqat probably.

Anyway, your piece is very nicely done. Your sis is right, this is very good. Keep writing and posting. The real truth is you'll probably be supervisor some day of the morons who treat you this way. (( hugs ))

dreadful