This is an intense poem from ages back, slight resrite. How do u like it.?

Question:"last ride"

Driving a road late into the night,
snorting lines of courage, hardly any light.
Banging begins from the trunk once again,
God he will never forgive me this sin.

Two thousand dollars, not much of a price,
awful damn cheap for one human life.
You owe and you beg, your knees you did kneel,
the tears you are crying, they are very real.

The mountain road winds high and so steep,
the canyon below, in hell it's so deep.
The guy in the trunk, is quiet for now,
a club knocked him out, a slaughtered cow.

Why did it ever need come down to this,
the guy in the trunk, his sons name is Chris.
Even though now it is fathers day,
when you must play, you always pay.

.

With all of my strength, i hold up the gun,
I said what the hell, he's had his fun.
Blam, blam and blam barked the forty five,
I finally yell shotgun, I do not want to drive,

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: "last ride"

Driving a road late into the night,
snorting lines of courage, hardly any light.
Banging begins from the trunk once again,
God he will never forgive me this sin.

Two thousand dollars, not much of a price,
awful damn cheap for one human life.
You owe and you beg, your knees you did kneel,
the tears you are crying, they are very real.

The mountain road winds high and so steep,
the canyon below, in hell it's so deep.
The guy in the trunk, is quiet for now,
a club knocked him out, a slaughtered cow.

Why did it ever need come down to this,
the guy in the trunk, his sons name is Chris.
Even though now it is fathers day,
when you must play, you always pay.

.

With all of my strength, i hold up the gun,
I said what the hell, he's had his fun.
Blam, blam and blam barked the forty five,
I finally yell shotgun, I do not want to drive,

As you probably know, I haven't seen the previous versions of this.
It has a really dramatic feel, and is very visual. To me it is the opening scenes of a scary film (I'm a sensitive soul).
I just hope it isn't biographical.
sacrificial cow - that would be good, except it would spoil the metre of the line (slaughtered - past tense - implies he's already dead. If you see what I mean)
I have an aversion to the introduction of the word 'did' into a line in order to force a rhyme into life. The last two lines of this verse need looking at. Is there any significance in using
'you' instead of 'he'?
Later when you use 'If you must play, you always pay' that works fine - he's addressing us then/warning us. (If' works better than 'when')
I could create two whole new lines for you - but I won't.
son's
father's
Altho' I think you may have put the bit about Chris in to solve a rhyming problem, it has actually created a good touch (ie you are ruthless....for god's sake....you even know this guy!)
'It is father's day' echoes Father's Day the ironic use of the phrase brings another dimension to the line.
Then, last verse, Mr. Big man - not so ruthless, after all,eh?
I think this poem is excellent. You seem to have been able to get into the mind of the hitman, and the depiction of the scene is spot on. The first verse especially, manages to cram so much into four short lines. It tells us something about you, a drug addict, a lapsed Catholic(?), and the 'banging in the trunk' quickly grabs our attention.
You know, you are lucky this is Sunday morning, and this is first poem I've decided to critique..........not everyone is going to get this much attention! Bye

freakin insane
although i didnt get some of it
but still thrilling

This is interesting, but I think I liked it better the way it was before. Had more punch at the end.