Another kids poem I've written - would love some honest feedback. Thanks?

Question:I've built myself a time ship
It's a bit like Doctor Who's
I built it out off chewing gum
And laces from my shoes
I know you don't believe me
But I promise that it's true
Oh, come on, do you really think
That I would lie to you?
Let me tell you of my travels, friend
And all that I have seen
You'll be amazed, I have no doubt
When you hear where I have been.
For I have dined with Shakespeare
Taken tea with Anne Boleyn
I even (though it scared me some)
Shook hands with Gungha Din
I've danced round fires with cavemen
I have eaten mammoth stew
I've sharpened blades in the iron age
Saw a sabre tooth or two
I took a trip to Egypt
Where I met that young King Tut
I have to say, he looks just like
That box in which he's shut
I've stood alongside Churchill
I have laughed with Good Queen Bess
I have shared a meal with Henry 8
Then cleared up all the mess
I met a rather clever chap
His name was Einstein
He talked about his relatives
So I told him about mine
Such places I have been to
Such people I have met
There's some I'll think of all my life
And some I'll soon forget
Don't ask me where I found the time
For time, you see, is bent
I left one day, in the usual way
And came home before I went

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I've built myself a time ship
It's a bit like Doctor Who's
I built it out off chewing gum
And laces from my shoes
I know you don't believe me
But I promise that it's true
Oh, come on, do you really think
That I would lie to you?
Let me tell you of my travels, friend
And all that I have seen
You'll be amazed, I have no doubt
When you hear where I have been.
For I have dined with Shakespeare
Taken tea with Anne Boleyn
I even (though it scared me some)
Shook hands with Gungha Din
I've danced round fires with cavemen
I have eaten mammoth stew
I've sharpened blades in the iron age
Saw a sabre tooth or two
I took a trip to Egypt
Where I met that young King Tut
I have to say, he looks just like
That box in which he's shut
I've stood alongside Churchill
I have laughed with Good Queen Bess
I have shared a meal with Henry 8
Then cleared up all the mess
I met a rather clever chap
His name was Einstein
He talked about his relatives
So I told him about mine
Such places I have been to
Such people I have met
There's some I'll think of all my life
And some I'll soon forget
Don't ask me where I found the time
For time, you see, is bent
I left one day, in the usual way
And came home before I went

I loved it.

Leave out the Einstein bit - it doesn't run on and the poem loses nothing by its omission.

I think you deserve a round of applause. It is catchy, bright and very funny (and educational, too in an odd kind of way).

Get some-one to illustrate this (or could you do that yourself?)and you have a book to rival Dr.Seuss.

Good. Keep it up.

i dont want to be mean but it is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY to long for a kid's poem.

too long i got bored half way through so kids wouldn't read it all

I think it would be easier to read if you broke the poem into stanzas (I hope that's what they call it - well paragraphs if I haven't got the right word). But I like the bit about relativity and Einstein.

This is a great poem! The only thing i might change is the rhyme between "seen" on line 10 and "been" on line 12.

don't listen to the above crap, its very good and its a poem that is also teaching kids history of people normally found in their school work

well it was in mine i had to study henry the 8th and Egypt

That was really GOOOOOD!!

It wasn't boring, honest! I'm just 13 so i'm still almost a kid and i loved it.

Keep up the good work! :-)

Wow - you know this would be great as a picture book - one part for every page with illustrations of the various people and events from History !

It's a nice and , hope you don't mind, a bit funny but it's right for kids. But you may consider dividing it into stanzas as it will fascinate kids more.

It's not too long, it's about travelling through history, the point would be lost as a short poem. The narrative progression works really well. I think it's great. Kids aren't stupid. Short attention spans cover all ages though, clearly.

Sometimes the rhythm needs tightening up, for example 'his name was Einstein' is missing a syllable, but it's always going to be a little difficult there because your stresses fall on the last syllable and we say EINstein. You could say something like 'I met a rather clever chap, he called himself EinSTEIN etc' Poetic license, you know :)

Lovely, fun premise though. Nice ending.

I thought it was great, very imaginative, I agree with the people who said it would be great as a children's book also

Great work ^-^ I think it could be a popular poem for kids

It's not too short and it's not too long, but it may be a bit too complex for kids to understand. Sheil Silverstein wrote some super long poems, so if you're writing a book, mix it in with some other short and long ones and it'll be perfectly fine.

Little nitpicky things now - in a few places the rhythm's a little off. But it's very fixable.

1.) "Let me tell you of my travels, friend" is too long, maybe make it "I'll tell you of my travels, friend."

2.) "His name was Einstein" is too short, so maybe put in "His name was Albert Einstein."

All in all, it's quite good. Keep writing, and good luck =]

Superb!
DON'T leave out the Einstein bit - it's a good joke. Perhaps put in "A." before his name, so the line scans.
The poem is fun, fast-moving, and has a great punchline.
Worthy of Roger McGough at his best.