Poem - I Scream - What do you think?

Question:As a pendulum swings unknowingly
He enters and leaves my heart
Excuse me is the litany

He takes the express never the local
Standing erect and ready
Wearing a smile at the turnstile

Abandoned and cursed
Alone I scream why

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: As a pendulum swings unknowingly
He enters and leaves my heart
Excuse me is the litany

He takes the express never the local
Standing erect and ready
Wearing a smile at the turnstile

Abandoned and cursed
Alone I scream why

The good thought is there but i know you could improve it better especially the second stanza. Allow something that may rhyme with the first stanza.

I like the first stanza and i could relate what's in your mind.

Keep going. I love your poems.

God Bless!

sounds pretty damn emo

i really like the first two stanzas. it's actually a good rhyme that doesn't sound stupid or corny.
the last stanza..ehh, it's going in the right track, maybe not there yet. It's a strange transitition from the smooth 2 stanzas.

or maybe that's how you want it?

you could try putting in another simile there. =)

I scream you scream
we all scream for ice cream
yeah i could do w/ a ben and jerry right now : )

This has supberb passion and thought but you have a couple of lines that did not flow in your normally great way. "He takes the express never the local" and "Alone I scream why" Maybe try: Alone I scream... Why?(2 lines)
This is definately a keeper that makes you think.

We need to stick with one metaphore or similie, not one of each. Is it a pendulum or a train. Both are good but it sounds almost like two different poems. You need to add more to the end to keep the rythm moving.
How about watching the train pull out without you before your left abandoned and screaming... (like the train whistle perhaps)

to be alone,is security with-in ones self.

ghost.

amazing

I like how it's thought provoking and a little eerie.

Beautiful...

I like the metaphor of the train, especially "the express never the local." I'm a bit confused about "unknowingly," it could probably be eliminated from the poem. Otherwise, the imagery is very clear and intense.