Still learning...constructive criticism please!!?

Question:I look over at you,
Waiting for you to notice me.
But you're too engrossed,
To see the pain in my eyes.

That mouth that used to kiss me,
Now only says words to hurt me.
Those arms that used to hold me,
Are only there to push me away.

My insides are bleeding,
But my lips are smiling.
Trying to hide the emptiness,
From the life you sucked out of me.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I look over at you,
Waiting for you to notice me.
But you're too engrossed,
To see the pain in my eyes.

That mouth that used to kiss me,
Now only says words to hurt me.
Those arms that used to hold me,
Are only there to push me away.

My insides are bleeding,
But my lips are smiling.
Trying to hide the emptiness,
From the life you sucked out of me.

I like this. It is a good start, however I think you can do better. I think if you dig deep into your soul you will find what you need to make it that much better. I think you can make it flow smoother, and I think if you can be more descriptive, you will see a great difference. Good luck, you have much potential here. Keep going.

Try looking deeper and more metaphorically.
You seem to have the basis of this style, explore blank verse for a more flowing sound.

Literalism hardly ever works in poetry.

Go to a bookstore with comfy chairs - or a library - and get a stack of poetry books and go through them. Once you find things you like - try to figure out *why* you like them.

And phrasal verbs like "look over", "waiting for" "push x away", "sucked out" need to be used carefully.

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http://ekbworldwide.blogspot.com/

sounds pretty good!
i think that u need to try blank verse for a more flowing sound on the poem!

I like it, especially if your just starting out.
I can relate to it.
If you change just a few words I think it will be very good, maybe a little more descriptive.
Nice work:)

These could be pretty good lyrics also; but like the person below me said, try to use more metaphors and flow better.

wow!

i like it. really, i do.
keep up the good work!