I need serious and harsh comments and critic?

Question:I am broken
a china doll smashed against my mirror
when i see the shoemark on the poor girls shoulder
and imprint in the sand

I am lost
an abandoned child wandering the city
your bruises begining to show dark as his heart
the heart that we thought loved before, a lie to our faces

I am betrayed
a thousand knives to the heart, a never ending rain of acid
the yellow not pads of the cops reflecting artifical happiness

I am appalled
repulsed by the actions of those who are no longer family
disgusted by those who feel they were right, they were just, who were lied to
nauseated by the threats to my mother, by the names, by the false accusations

I am destroyed
my worst nightmare unfolding, a flower never meant to bloom
a lightning strike, foreboding, warry of what to come
thrown into a cold, frozen, fiery pit of hell of Earth

~sam l.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I am broken
a china doll smashed against my mirror
when i see the shoemark on the poor girls shoulder
and imprint in the sand

I am lost
an abandoned child wandering the city
your bruises begining to show dark as his heart
the heart that we thought loved before, a lie to our faces

I am betrayed
a thousand knives to the heart, a never ending rain of acid
the yellow not pads of the cops reflecting artifical happiness

I am appalled
repulsed by the actions of those who are no longer family
disgusted by those who feel they were right, they were just, who were lied to
nauseated by the threats to my mother, by the names, by the false accusations

I am destroyed
my worst nightmare unfolding, a flower never meant to bloom
a lightning strike, foreboding, warry of what to come
thrown into a cold, frozen, fiery pit of hell of Earth

~sam l.

I immediately understood that this was about abuse.

Stanza 1-------
-Take out "poor" from poor girl. The audience already feels sympathy for her with the shoe imprint. I feel that you can say something else with that. Like try, "bruises in the shape of your shoe on her shoulder."
-I didn't understand the "imprint in the sand"
-You say "when i see the shoemark..." take out the "when". sounds awkward and a little confusing.

Stanza 2---------
-I like what you were painting in the seventh line. It could be stronger if you worded it different. Like, "your bruises shadow like his dark heart". But completely take out "beginning", it's too wordy and sounds like normal conversation.
-Take out "thought". I see what you're trying to say, but it will have a better effect without it.
-I think instead of "a lie to our faces" you should just put "lies to our face". If you say "face" instead of faces it signifies you and your mother both linked in the abuse.

Stanza 4-------
-The first thing that grabbed my attention was the fact that this stanza only has 3 lines, while the rest have 4. It doesn't flow at all. Add another line.
-"Not pads" I didn't understand that at all. Re-word or change it.

Stanza 5--------
-Appalled is a good verb, but you need a verb that flows better with all of you other verbs. Broken, lost, betrayed, appalled, destroyed. Appalled really sticks out like a sore thumb, and has a dull feeling. Try "shocked"
-Never end a sentence with a preposition, "who were lied to"... Try "who were deceived"

Stanza 6-------
-Love it
-A lightning strike isn't "warry" of what to come. (did you mean weary?) A lightning strike is fast and just happens. It doesn't hesitiate.
- Cold, frozen, then fiery? Not working for me at all. I think I know the message you were trying to get across. Perhaps something like, "cold, frozen, icy seclusion of earth." Don't capitalize the "e"

Sorry I did this kinda fast. Email me if you want more. Very good poem girl!

Sounds like your depressed? lol iono

nice,but try to keep the audience from getting scared:)

I like the "I am" repetition, but in the beginning the sand part doesn't make much sense since you were just talking about a doll and your shattered-ness.

that sounds good.:]

im not pro or anything, but its SO good, although i dont get it so much. but i get most of it, the first and last stanzas are the best.

the yellow not pads of the cops reflecting artifical happiness

looks like you left off the ''e''

I don't like the "a lightning strike, may you could change it to lightning strikes....??? Otherwise good job, pretty angsty.

It seems more like prose than poetry to me. You could use some conciseness, assonance, consonance - not necessarily end rhymes but something to unite a selected sound. Such as "s" or something that relates to the sound of shattering destruction.

Freewrite? There's no formality in the stanzas. Sure you start each stanza with "I am [past tense verb]" If you want to successfully create a freewritten poem, you have to find your own sense of unity in or beyond stanzas and word sounds.

As for the content - it's not original. I've read so many poems with similar content. If you want to keep the topic, make sure you use more powerful compact words to express emotions. Write between the lines... imply more than is being stated.

Hope that was harsh enough :)

It's really good, but some bits of it seem a bit random, eg on the first verse you're talking about a doll... and then sand.

Interesting imagery, but you can't have a frozen, fiery pit. It's one or the other.

Why are you broken?

Who is the girl you refer to in the first stanza?

Whose bruises?

Who is the man you refer to in the second stanza?

How do police notepads reflect artificial happiness?

Why are you repulsed, what actions repulsed you?

What were the accusations, how were they false?

Why would a flower be meant not to bloom?

Show, don't tell. I'm sure your English teacher's explained that before.

Thank you Klep, I wasn't trying to tear your poem apart, I'm just being honest; these things stood out for me.

You asked for critique, you don't want critique; you want a big pat on the back but you're about to get the hard truth. When you're dead and gone, your poems will be too.

That is AMAZINGLY outstanding and beautiful!

I love the whole thing; every stanza is absolutely perfect.

You're one of the only people on here who can ACTUALLY write good poetry!

Well done!
A+++

hey! Russell is trying to help with those questiosn!
he's telling you where he feels the poem is weakest and could use some improvement. you did ask for "serious and harsh"

the "show don't tell" is vital - showing makes the reader think, and creates a more vivid emotion.

Pretty good. I don't see where the sand has any thing to do with the china doll or the frozen has to do with the firey pit other then that I see the rest.