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Position:Home>Poetry> A quick rewrite of my last poem. I thought it was strong. Is this better/?Question:"turned to black II" Pondering all the hours, that we used to share. Moments now froze in time, like fossils left in clay. I remember all the stories, I told you like a child. Your exuberance and care, still wander in my mind. The days that we had spent, enthralled with every word. Images burned in my mind, all hours of the day. That one awful, fateful day, our world turned to black. I'd give everything I own, if you'd only take me back. Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: "turned to black II" Pondering all the hours, that we used to share. Moments now froze in time, like fossils left in clay. I remember all the stories, I told you like a child. Your exuberance and care, still wander in my mind. The days that we had spent, enthralled with every word. Images burned in my mind, all hours of the day. That one awful, fateful day, our world turned to black. I'd give everything I own, if you'd only take me back. A very strong poem. I like it. It speaks to me on a personal level. I think its great, each verse has about the same length and they all sound great....good work I like this one better. It has a better ending. It's awesome. "moments frozen in time", and there is something wrong with the second stanza,....but the other parts were pretty good "Moments now frozen in time," Very nicely worded. Good voice and clarity. (at least as far as I am concerned anyways) Best wishes, :) This is well said. Some suggestions: Try those hours in line 1. How about burn instead of burned in line 3 third stanza. Do you need a comma after awful? Last line, how about this: "to have you take me back." These are only suggestions so take them for what they are worth. Very nice poem. Flows well, and reads with enough bounce to sound like poetry. Well done DP, well done indeed. Still think it should be 'frozen' - - all hours of the day - this weakens this verse. the gem for me is 'like fossils left in clay' even 'lost in clay'? Put it on the almost but not yet quite finished pile! =) very good poem ...clear thinking ...good memories...i like it |