Decided to try a love poem, did I go too far over the top?

Question:“I Love You”

You say I love you into the darkness one night
When only we two exist

You say it
You feel it
You mean it

You say I love you into the darkness one night
And I wonder if you miss the echo?

Eruptions are so rare in the human heart
They’re perfect diamonds, perfect jewels
Perfect little miracle
There is no scale on which their value can be measured
And there are no eyes that are not blinded by their brilliance
And shocked and
Humbled
Into utter silence.

I say I love you into the darkness one night
When only we two exist

I say it
I feel it
I mean it

You respond with only silence
In the darkness one night
When
Humbled and blinded
Only we two exist.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: “I Love You”

You say I love you into the darkness one night
When only we two exist

You say it
You feel it
You mean it

You say I love you into the darkness one night
And I wonder if you miss the echo?

Eruptions are so rare in the human heart
They’re perfect diamonds, perfect jewels
Perfect little miracle
There is no scale on which their value can be measured
And there are no eyes that are not blinded by their brilliance
And shocked and
Humbled
Into utter silence.

I say I love you into the darkness one night
When only we two exist

I say it
I feel it
I mean it

You respond with only silence
In the darkness one night
When
Humbled and blinded
Only we two exist.

The tone of the "eruptions" stanza is completely different from the rest of the poem. It is declamatory, didactic and dreadfully dull. I don't blame her for keeping her mouth shut. The rest of the poem is, just underneath the surface, intense and passionate. It's as if you wrote them in different years and pasted them together. I hope you can see my point of view, even if you don't agree.

i cant figure what you mean about the whole diamond metaphore unless your talking about saying i love you during sex and the other person didint say it back

Magnificent!

That was wonderful! I feel like putting it up in my locker right now....*sniff*....and I think you gave it a more interesting edge as some other love poems do not have. Good job! :)
-Ciao

A very interesting style. A love poem with rejection at the end or just complacency or just pure bliss? Intriguing.

I like it, nice work.

Would you read mine? http://www.humblevoice.com/profile/compo... and e-mail me what you think.

It sounds really good, but I'm sure love poems arn't ment to confuse the reader.
I my self am slightly confused with the middle, i think you need to think that part threw justr a little more.

Superb

i mean it's cool but my impression of it isn't good, because i've seen what you are comfortable with...you are either a nature guy, a love guy, or a fart guy. we all want to delve else where but you gotta stick with what you know.

Not at all.
It is very good.
I like it.
Nice work:)