A special card for me. Will you read my poem please?

Question:From Tarot...this is actually my card, the one I connect to, that defines me. (vulnerable...)

NINE OF PENTACLES

I can touch you yet--
you're so far away.
The raptor on your hand,
with its predatory eyes;
does he long
to devour you?

Do you hold him at bay
with love or strength?

You stare the world down,
and smile in the face of fear
without any of your own.
If you would show me
just one weakness...

Immortal Beloved,
forever unknown,
do you know I cry
for you?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: From Tarot...this is actually my card, the one I connect to, that defines me. (vulnerable...)

NINE OF PENTACLES

I can touch you yet--
you're so far away.
The raptor on your hand,
with its predatory eyes;
does he long
to devour you?

Do you hold him at bay
with love or strength?

You stare the world down,
and smile in the face of fear
without any of your own.
If you would show me
just one weakness...

Immortal Beloved,
forever unknown,
do you know I cry
for you?

That's so sad...and so weird a raptor on your hand ..Really?..It makes me think of a tattoo..it gives him a human like quality.."Him" that's funny there I go again giving things gender...When really it seems that this "Immortal Beloved" is really apart of you so I guess it should be "she"..So if that's true then the one you are really crying for is yourself..Which is what makes it sad...crying because you feel your not really strong..just really stubborn

I think it is a very nice poem. It has a strong voice with great imagery. Thanks for sharing.

thats good.

should the first line read "i can'T touch you yet"? cos that would make more sense. if there is no typo you may want to do something to the following line to clear up that contrast.

i think the title works, because the name of the card has much in it as it is.

first stanza - the raptor is first an "it" and two lines down a "he" - just a small thing, but you might want to decide for one or the other. i think "he" would work better, since the personification would give added strength to the creature.

2nd stanza - second line could be stronger if you used parallelism here: "with love or with strength?" even though i'm always going on about how we shouldn't waste words, here this one word more can add a lot of intensity and change the rhythm for the better. these two lines are stressed anyway because you separate them from the rest of the poem, so you might as well give them all the power you can.

now.... here goes my "chopping words" habit... this is what i would like to do to the second stanza: condense it. bare bones. sort of like this:

"stare down the world / smile in face of fear / you have none / show me / just one weakness - "

and yes, i did change the "..." to "-" deliberately. it turns a fading sound / voice into a sudden stop, a break, something forceful. if you want a sense of longing or fading in there, the ... of course would work better.

last stanza... last two lines could do with some tweaking maybe, cos with such strong images and intense emotion you might want a strong ending. i have no suggestions. it's your poem. :-)

nice material, and i like the idea of "writing with the cards". original stuff. (and if i take the time to write such a long answer, that means i like it, i see real potential.) :-D

Oh, I can't see why you think this card is yours. The nine is all about self-sufficiency, being able to stand on one's own. This must be the strength Vael keeps harping on. Eva, honestly, I expect more.

I think it's great. I'm not to up on the tarot cards but your poems are all so good!

I would love to hug you now! But you are too far in the mirror of Y!A

Look into the mirror and cry for ones self never helped get them out of the looking-glass... but it never hurt to try.

This is words of introspection, one looking into themselves and i feel it is from the writer. Many of your works seem to be commentary this one is biographical and self explaining.

To be honest I have to say that I have enjoyed reading your poetry. I may not like all of them however, they are well written and creative and so much talent.

Saying that I think this poem would read better if you took the first two lines off and wrote it from there.

Otherwise I loved the poem. Again well written.

Even though I have no idea about the meaning of either the card or the poem, I experience a strong emotional reaction to this poem. It's a combination of sadness, anxiety and hope. Maybe you can explain this better than I can.

a wild animal is still untamed no matter how much grass and water there is.

this is the first thing that came to mind, i dont know why.
i am lost on this one...
and a card that is yours?
i confess i know nothing of tarot cards. i will go and
find out. it is time. i just hope my ignorance is not rude to you.
i will come back to this one and reread.
ty for todays poems.