My poem hurt to the bone .what do you think ?

Question:Why did you say all the things like how much i meant to you
or was this just a cruel game on me..I told you my heart is not strong as of all the wrongs i have had against me .

Remember the night when i said baby if that time ever comes be a man and tell me what hurt have i did for you to go.
All thru this now my heart feels like steel as i trusted for one more try.

Why i always get hurt and my life goes berserk and i eventually am wishing to die.
The last night we talked and i sad baby no matter what you fill my love cup and i will be there for you forever and a day.

well now it;s been 4days and my mind is in a haze and my tears have started a river of doom.
well i guess this is it my poem of regret ' but i only wished you could of been a man to tell me .

If i ever break someones heart and i want them to get another start i will hand them their heart in a jar.
why did it come to this as i never have gave you a kiss in only in the back of my mind.. love you still !

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Why did you say all the things like how much i meant to you
or was this just a cruel game on me..I told you my heart is not strong as of all the wrongs i have had against me .

Remember the night when i said baby if that time ever comes be a man and tell me what hurt have i did for you to go.
All thru this now my heart feels like steel as i trusted for one more try.

Why i always get hurt and my life goes berserk and i eventually am wishing to die.
The last night we talked and i sad baby no matter what you fill my love cup and i will be there for you forever and a day.

well now it;s been 4days and my mind is in a haze and my tears have started a river of doom.
well i guess this is it my poem of regret ' but i only wished you could of been a man to tell me .

If i ever break someones heart and i want them to get another start i will hand them their heart in a jar.
why did it come to this as i never have gave you a kiss in only in the back of my mind.. love you still !

U have given ur heart to a wrong person,forget him and start ur life fresh,he is not the last man alive on earth,wait and watch,u will get nice man who loves u from heart and care and respect ur feelings,BEST OF LUCK.

Cheer up, it was obviously the wrong person for you
Time will come when your tears of grief will stop rolling
Sun will rise and stay up as long as summer's day long
When you find your other half you'll never again feel alone.

I'm sure these ideas have the potential to be a good poem but I think that right now it's more a journal entry in paragrahps, a love letter or a sort of essay. Poetry is written line by line wheras what you have written is prose; prose is written in chunks like essays or stories. Poetry is concise and tends to eliminate everything to the bare minimum. Also, I am concerned that you have a few forced rhymes. I think that because you are trying to rhyme a lot you are sometimse comprimising the coherence and rhythm of the poem. Also, you need to remember to edit your work, I'm not sure if some of these things are just typos or actual writing mistakes, though. Also if you really want to have lines that long in your poem I think you should add more punctuation. I know that in a lot of poetry there's hardly any punctuation at all but that's because they start a new line in place of say a comma or a semi-colon. Hope this helps and ignore this if you didn't really want critiquing.

This is a very good poem. You can feel the pain and the sadness through the words. I must admit I had tears in my eyes. Please keep up your writing.

That is beautiful, very touching, and yet sad at the sametime.

load of rubbish........

OH crap.. i had to see this of all days.. making me cry even harder.. I also had to tell someone that same thing. Its hard to tell someone is over. I did that in an email last night.. Sweetie all i got to tell you this too shall pass and there will a light at the end of the tunnel for you. I am a big one to talk cause i am going thru it also. We had been seeing each other for about 3 years and things werent working and i finally made the first move to just say this is it. As you said love u still I do mine also.. love is blind to the reality ... but at least we still have our sanity to go on with life. So deeply sorry ...