Poem Draft - I need help?

Question:I have been wrestling with this poem for a while, now. It started out as a religious poem, but I have decided I don't care for that idea. I have pruned this down from its previous excessive length, and I am still not satisfied with it. Please give me some advice. Rip it apart, if need be. Thanks!

* * *

For too long I have been
A samurai's blade, slicing
In beautiful, precise, and deadly arcs,
For a warrior not worth serving.

It is my greatest curse
And my greatest joy--
Despair for the lives taken,
Exhilaration in mastering
The arts needed to take them.

I remember earlier days
Before the memories of combat
Overtook my dreams.
I remember when I dared to love.

I cannot bear that now,
Lest I shatter with the pain
Of lives lost to my blade's edge.
I must not recapture
A glory that I smashed into shards.
So long ago.
Yet it sears in me
Like a fire, burning.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I have been wrestling with this poem for a while, now. It started out as a religious poem, but I have decided I don't care for that idea. I have pruned this down from its previous excessive length, and I am still not satisfied with it. Please give me some advice. Rip it apart, if need be. Thanks!

* * *

For too long I have been
A samurai's blade, slicing
In beautiful, precise, and deadly arcs,
For a warrior not worth serving.

It is my greatest curse
And my greatest joy--
Despair for the lives taken,
Exhilaration in mastering
The arts needed to take them.

I remember earlier days
Before the memories of combat
Overtook my dreams.
I remember when I dared to love.

I cannot bear that now,
Lest I shatter with the pain
Of lives lost to my blade's edge.
I must not recapture
A glory that I smashed into shards.
So long ago.
Yet it sears in me
Like a fire, burning.

This is good work, and you are right, it needs some work. The tone changes from "I dared to love" on down. It becomes melodramatic, and the quality of language becomes cornball. I think it would be a worthwhile exercise for you to recast the entire poem into the third person. I'm not saying that this will make a better poem, but I think it will be helpful in seeing certain weaknesses. FYI, I don't spend the time an effort in critiquing a poem if I think it's bad. You have a great idea, some excellent turns of phrase, and a nice sense of rhythm. Keep at it!

First reading appeared as anger, then after reading it again it was more 'hurt'. The third and final reading was cold and generalised. It has a sense of selfishness and at the end your trying to make it work for an individual but it cannot be personalised, let it be as changing it would make it seem false.

I have no idea what your first poster is saying do you?

Anyway, I find the whole piece quite clear as pertaining to the deep feelings of a warrior pledged to duty.
I suggest you simply move your first stanza to be your last stanza so that it stands as a conclusion to the other three and it all flows beautifully to describe a Samurai's curse.

Love it by the way. Just lovely.

i like to have repetition in my poems you could try that. but it is a really nice poem. i might would change "The arts needed to take them."
into something that flows better maybe "the extinguishing blows" or something like that. you could take out the "in" "beautiful, precise, and deadly arcs," take out "that I" "A glory smashed into shards".