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Position:Home>Poetry> Help on this poem!!?Question:Any suggestions on this poem and what I should change to make it better . Any help is well appreciated. Thanks Alone Sitting in his room, All day long. He is sitting there singing, His own sad song. A song about misery, A song about hope. A song about a problem, and how to cope. He wants someone to love him, He wants someone to care. But when he turns around, Nobody is ever there. He wants a family, and some friends that he can call his own. He wants all these things, So he doesn't have to be alone. He's hoping someone will love him, He's hoping someone will care. He hears something and turns around, And notices that nobody's there. Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Any suggestions on this poem and what I should change to make it better . Any help is well appreciated. Thanks Alone Sitting in his room, All day long. He is sitting there singing, His own sad song. A song about misery, A song about hope. A song about a problem, and how to cope. He wants someone to love him, He wants someone to care. But when he turns around, Nobody is ever there. He wants a family, and some friends that he can call his own. He wants all these things, So he doesn't have to be alone. He's hoping someone will love him, He's hoping someone will care. He hears something and turns around, And notices that nobody's there. "Nobody's There" Alone in his room, All the day long, Just sitting and singing. He sings a sad song. A song about misery, A song about hope. A song of his problems, And how he will cope. For someone to love him, Or someone to care, His gaze remains empty, For, no one is there. He wants a family, And he wants a wife, Some friends that are his, To brighten his life. Will someone love him? Will someone care? A sound at the door? But, nobody's there. How's this? Best Wishes * this is what id do to it, if i were you. but already i really like it! i just think if you did this it would flow nicer... He's sitting in his room, Alone, alll day long. He is sitting there singing, His own sad song. A song about misery, A song about hope. A song about a problem, and how to cope. He wants someone to love him, He wants someone to care. But when he turns around, No one is there. He wants a family, and some friends who are his own. He wants all these things, So he wont be alone. He's hoping someone will love him, He's hoping someone will care. He hears something and turns around, And notices nobody's there. aww this poem is so sad, I loved it. I like it. I like how you keep with a chorus-type thing, and change the basics of it to keep in some sort of form while changing the words. Still, the beat's a little off in the 2nd stanza, the one about his song. And instead of saying "Nobody is ever there" I'd say "Nobody's ever there" or even "Nobody's there". But hey, your call. Wow! You have a way with words. This poem is wonderful. You use wonderful descriptive words and I can actually TELL what the poem is talking about! Great job! I really like it. Keep it the fantastic work, my friend. (: <3 Stanza 4, I would change line 4 to 'So he won't be alone'. Stanza 5, I would change line 4 to 'Nobody is ever there' like the last line in the third stanza. That's just me though, good luck, and very nice poem. ^.^ Maybe change line 8 by adding "and about how to cope", line 14 to "and friends all his own", and line 16 to "So he won't be alone." Also, change the last lines to "He hopes" not "he's hoping," and change "and notices that nobody's there." to " and sees that no one's there." I like your poem. ITs really good, those are just some touch ups I would add. "notices" = wrong word. Use "see" instead. Eliminate "and" in the second to last stanza. Good poem. Explore the metric pattern and iambic pentameter in order to write a sonnet. This one feels like the rough draft of a sonnet. Check out poetry.com You can learn a bunch there. You have the makings of a very good poet. Alone Sitting in his room, All day long. He is sitting there singing, His own sad song. A song about misery, A song about hope. A song about a problem, and KNowinG how to cope. He wants someone to love him, He wants someone to care. But when he turns around, Nobody's ever there. He wants some friends, He wants a family to call his own. He wants these things, So he won't be alone. He's hoping someone could love him, He's hoping someone could care. He turns around from hearing something, And noticed nobody was there. I hope you like it very much =] it took me a while to switch some words but heyy it turned out pretty good. and i loved yur poem! Is Great! |