"In the forest" the first draft of my poem for a competition, what do

Question:It's only a first draft so needs work, but what's your opinion?
Sorry it's on a link, was just too big to fit on here.

http://cq-chris.livejournal.com/826.html

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: It's only a first draft so needs work, but what's your opinion?
Sorry it's on a link, was just too big to fit on here.

http://cq-chris.livejournal.com/826.html

That's amazing-are all the words yours or inspired from another poem or book?

I'm glad you aren't stuck in the "poems rhyme!" box.

I think it's particularly effective to use unusual verbs like "melted" when describing how someone gasps. It's a technique I'm personally fond of.

I would try to be conscious of the repetition of words and the use of cliche ideas (i.e. is there a better way to express the feeling of being in a "personal hades" without being this obvious?)

Overall, with a little revision and refinement I'd say job well done.

I liked where you went, the poem has a good feel, good imagery. My complaint would be your word-choices: it sounds like you're vomiting a thesaurus, like you are using big words just to show that you know them, not because they have poetic merit.

Just my two cents, given here, without a hint of iniquitousness.

Nice. I'm not sure why another answerer doesn't like repetition when repetition is good in poetry, it's one of the poetic devices. Although, one has to be sure not to over use repetition.

Wow! It's really great. Good job. I'm impressed!