Another cheesy love poem. Please read?

Question:English is my second language. so feel free to tell me if its off, or if i my grammar is bad.
This is my attempt to move on

You never loved me, you took me for granted
My tender body, my soul and my heart
You never cared enough and I protested
But it’s so hard to stay apart

You never loved me. Your stocks and investments
Mean more to you then I ever did
It’s all a game where we both are contestants
So I walk away, and you can proceed

You never loved me! You phrased it so clearly
When you told me I wasn’t the one
So don’t stay around and forgive me
For giving you everything. You have won!

You said it! Not me! So stop calling
Just leave me alone, let me be!
I am moving on, leaves stopped falling
The new ones are growing. Its spring!

You never loved me, but I will be happy
Not in yours, but in someone else’s arms
You are free to move on to a new hobby
Some one else to give your care and your charms.

Since you never loved me…

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: English is my second language. so feel free to tell me if its off, or if i my grammar is bad.
This is my attempt to move on

You never loved me, you took me for granted
My tender body, my soul and my heart
You never cared enough and I protested
But it’s so hard to stay apart

You never loved me. Your stocks and investments
Mean more to you then I ever did
It’s all a game where we both are contestants
So I walk away, and you can proceed

You never loved me! You phrased it so clearly
When you told me I wasn’t the one
So don’t stay around and forgive me
For giving you everything. You have won!

You said it! Not me! So stop calling
Just leave me alone, let me be!
I am moving on, leaves stopped falling
The new ones are growing. Its spring!

You never loved me, but I will be happy
Not in yours, but in someone else’s arms
You are free to move on to a new hobby
Some one else to give your care and your charms.

Since you never loved me…

Seems pretty straightfoward, I think there's some potential here.

You've kept a pretty consistent rhyme and scansion, but I wanted to note a few things. "Did" and "proceed" aren't very strong rhymes. Is there another way to say this that will be a little stronger? "For giving you everything. You have won!" is way too many syllables. May I humbly suggest cutting it down a bit in length? Perhaps "I gave you everything - You've won!"? "Be" and "spring" are also kinda weak as far as rhyming goes. Again, while I like what you're saying here, and it flows from a conversational aspect, is there a way you can reword it to have a stronger rhyme?

The last stanza doesn't have the force I'd like it to have. "Not in yours, but in someone else's arms" is a little akward. Can you say it without the comma, without that pause?

I'm thinking about how you mention "hobby"... can you say this feeling in a way that ties back to the "stocks and investments" you mentioned earlier? That could be a very strong theme in this poem if you can bring it out a bit. Everyone can relate to money and financial woes - is there a way that you can compare this loss of love or lack of love to the financial dealings of this other person? I'm especially looking at that last line. When I write I try to make the last few lines really punch, really stick out.... I try to sum up the poem and make a statement with the last stanza or last line.

The style of this poem is, as I said earlier, straightforward. It reads in an informative fashion - it tells you what's going on, and how you feel about it. What I'd like to see here is you being able to invoke a reaction in the reader, to involve the reader in the poem... that's why I mentioned developing the theme of money or finance earlier.

You touch on a few different themes in this poem - playing a game, the season of spring, and finance. My suggestion to you is to expand on these themes a bit. Repeated references in different ways to these themes will enrich the poem.

For instance - instead of "You said it! Not me! So stop calling" might become "Can't you hear your stock broker calling?" This kind've thing contrasts beautifully with your theme of spring - money is cold and sterile, but trees are alive and growing, a much better form of green if you know what I mean! =)

Anyways, I hope this helped you a bit. Feel free to email me with your next version of it, if you want, I'd be happy to read it and give you more feedback, if you want.

Saul

I can relate to this :(
I think its good

good poem

where is the cheesy part?

That;s fantastic. I love the poem. You're talented. You seem to feel so realistic, I like your tone, when you said "You said it! Not me!" It's so cruel, and that it was grievance so finely said. I spoke out aloud: "You said it! Not me!" and thought wow, this one's great. I'll get to see if this works wonders with my style.