How Do You Critique My "Kisses, Kisses, .. " Poem?.?

Question:My Poem

Kissing, Hugging and Pleasure

Kisses, Kisses and Kisses
To the morning lights
Hugging and Hugging
Ever so tight
Rolling and rolling
The time is rolling
So much pleasure
Our love is treasure
I wish it lasts for ever!

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: My Poem

Kissing, Hugging and Pleasure

Kisses, Kisses and Kisses
To the morning lights
Hugging and Hugging
Ever so tight
Rolling and rolling
The time is rolling
So much pleasure
Our love is treasure
I wish it lasts for ever!

Dear Sherif 555

Might I, with your permission do a little fiddling.

Kisses, always kisses
in the mornings light.
Hugging, and more kisses,
holding, ever so tight.

Rolling, rolling rolling
the time is ever rolling.

Our love is such a treasure
and we know that it is right.
for it gives us so much pleasure
as we kiss away the night.

And time has kept on rolling,
rolling through the night.

It is a bad habit of mine to poke my big nose in to other folks business, sorry.

Robert

naughty

i think it would sound a little better if you didn't say hugging and rolling twice

and that's just my opinion, your choice!!!!!?????!!!!!

Cute!

Make it more detailed. and change up the repected words. use some similes.
Kisses, Kissing, Kissed,
'Til the mornings mist,
Hug and hold,
Ever so tight.
Time is ticking,
and passing us by,
So much pleasure,
like dimond tresure,
And the touch of your lips lingers...forever...

No offence. that's just what i would have wrote dont take it personaly plz!! take it or leave it

awesome!

The rhyme scheme A-B-C-B-C-C-D-D-D
works because you create a truly rolling flow of the motion in the words.

I think the title is just all right -- not strong. A simple title like PLEASURE would cover it -- that word is used late in the poem, so it brings a sense of closure.

The time is rolling -- line bothers me -- because of the scene you create it seems that time would rush and slow
Time is slowing, rushing which still gives you the scheme you created, and adds to the visual image.

This is a very happy poem. You might get it picked up by an ezine card company or even on that prints. If you get enough of your works put together, then you might add drawings, create cards and start a new line, but that would take backup funds, so I'd go the card company way.

Great card for newly weds.