Please give your honest opinion on my poem?

Question:My soul cries by day
At sight of pain and sorrow you hold,
And burns by night,
As darkness and light collide.
Do i sway to the pain,
Blood running out the veins,
Or the fake old white teeth smile?
Darkness takes hold,
Controlling the light.
Feel the rush of hopeless despair.
It tortures my soul...
As your memory fades to black.
Tears running down my face,
The feeling of pain slowly fades.
Veins running dry.
Minds eye holds your memory, one last time.
Now reverse.
Return.
My heart takes flight
Back to where darkness meets light.
Maybe we'll meet inbetween,
In a world where our souls burn bright,
And our hearts pour out the pain of yesterday.
Until either light gives in to darkness once again
Or night fades away
Making room for a ray of sun
Shining down on us
Bringing hope for tomorrow
And days to come
Restoring life
And together
It takes us home
together
forever
soaking up the light
until dark comes again
taking our love

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: My soul cries by day
At sight of pain and sorrow you hold,
And burns by night,
As darkness and light collide.
Do i sway to the pain,
Blood running out the veins,
Or the fake old white teeth smile?
Darkness takes hold,
Controlling the light.
Feel the rush of hopeless despair.
It tortures my soul...
As your memory fades to black.
Tears running down my face,
The feeling of pain slowly fades.
Veins running dry.
Minds eye holds your memory, one last time.
Now reverse.
Return.
My heart takes flight
Back to where darkness meets light.
Maybe we'll meet inbetween,
In a world where our souls burn bright,
And our hearts pour out the pain of yesterday.
Until either light gives in to darkness once again
Or night fades away
Making room for a ray of sun
Shining down on us
Bringing hope for tomorrow
And days to come
Restoring life
And together
It takes us home
together
forever
soaking up the light
until dark comes again
taking our love

Definitely keep writing.

I think you get a bit carried away with the words and abstractions. Maybe there could be more specifics? What are you actually trying to say? What are the feelings and why?

I mean does it mean I'm not supposed to know what's going on since it is a poem? Like they always say show don't tell. I mean can you show me your soul crying out? I want to feel it. And why?

But you had some cool things going on. So keep on keeping on!

its beautiful!
i started crying!

I started writing poetry when I was 13 also. I think your poem is really good. The beginning is a little hard to understand where you are coming from, but as you move through the poem your thoughts become more clear and your poem starts to get more feeling. Maybe change the order of some of the words in the beginning of the poem. IE: As darkness and light collide, I sway with the pain??? Just a suggestion. I definitely think you should keep writing, especially if you enjoy it.

it's really good
keep it up

honestly, you are very talented!
i love "feel the rush of hopeless despair"
defiantly continue writing! you are very good at it and very young. its in your future!.

It's really good...I like the way that it shifts mid-way.

as i said the first time.... it's beautiful!

I was surprised when you said you were only 13. I think you are definitely on the right track and should most certainly continue to write. In my opinion, I do see a few grammatical errors, but in general, it's great work! Good luck to you!

thats great! im only 13 and my poetry fricken sucks comparitivly oh my gosh... yeah great definatly keep writing

I really like it! It's like talking about how you feel feelings of despair and then hopefullness. It's really good! And it really doesn't matter what your age is. I started writing poems ever since I was little. (I love rhyming). So, with that being said, you shouldn't rely on people on the interent to tell you if you should continue writing. If it is something you feel passionate about, never let someone else's opinion make you want to stop! It's just their opinion. Someone else may completely relate to whatever you write. So have fun writing!

dude its pretty great. I started writing then as well. keep writing as it will be an invaluable outlet for your emotions. try to stay away from cliched phrases like "fades to black" but thats all I got for you. You seem far beyond the average for kids your age and I like your style.

I enjoyed the metaphorical shift. Nice poem