I need your help 10 pts?

Question:which poem should i enter in a local contest?

you dont know these kids and what they feel.
the pains so bad if seems unreal.
punches, kicks, blood flowing,
you wonder how these kids keep going.
brainwashed to believe they deserve all this.
a miracle is like getting a kiss.

Fathers, mothers, all around
push their kids to the ground.
One day a father hit a little to much.
His son went falling looking for something to clutch.

The will to live fades away.
They can't bear to live another day.
Tears are silent for their eyes don't cry.
Finally the pain defeats them and they say goodbye.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: which poem should i enter in a local contest?

you dont know these kids and what they feel.
the pains so bad if seems unreal.
punches, kicks, blood flowing,
you wonder how these kids keep going.
brainwashed to believe they deserve all this.
a miracle is like getting a kiss.

Fathers, mothers, all around
push their kids to the ground.
One day a father hit a little to much.
His son went falling looking for something to clutch.

The will to live fades away.
They can't bear to live another day.
Tears are silent for their eyes don't cry.
Finally the pain defeats them and they say goodbye.

Obviously you'll get answers for both.

They need formatting and finessing for sure, and are at best, depressing. If I must vote, I'll go with # 2, as the more susinct, piece that essentially says the same thing.

While I craft many pieces that rhyme, I'm not a fan of it, especially in the sense that one has to formulate every line to correlate in context with the next line, having the ryhming words actually mean something within that two line context.

Steven Wolf

I like the second one the best =]

Well, maybe #2 is the better of the two. They're both so sad.

number 2 i guess, but both of their rhyme schemes are a little off. try fixing that using a thesaurus for words that dont fit

Wow! ur an amazing writer! i really like them both. they tell the truth in an impacting way. but my favorite is the first one

i like the 2nd one. and age does not have anything to do with it, i am also 13 and have been writing poetry for years.

I prefer #2; I think it makes its point more effectively by avoiding too many explicit details (explicit in the sense of as opposed to implicit).

He always wondered why.
He forced himself "no cry"
sometimes he WILLED to die: (licenza poetica ?!)
she never cared.

His mother HAD left him,
light in his heart WENT dim.
He wantS so badly her love:
she never cared.

The bruises on his heart.
THIS make him fall apart.
The boy is badly broken:
she never cared.

AND he is gone now.
You could ask how.
But you JUST know:
she never cared.

>>> See ? I prefer #2; sure you are talented

wow your amazing writer. i would go with number one personally.