Position:Home>Poetry> Is this poem good or too corny?

Question:I wrote this poem and I am open to any thoughts, critcism, threats, compliments, whatever.

I felt trapped, like I was in a fog.
A Songbird who was forbade to sing.
I was so tattered and disheveled,
It looked like there was no way out.

And then you found your way into my life.
You looked past all of my flaws,
And saw me for who I was.
I felt like my life was changed.

When you comforted me during hard times,
You set me free, and finally I could spread my wings.
For the first time in a long while, I feel happy again.
You’re such a good friend, and you know just what to say.

So please stay a little while longer
As I rest my head on your shoulder.
Your warm smile and expressions
Tell me that you don’t want me to leave.

What do you think?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I wrote this poem and I am open to any thoughts, critcism, threats, compliments, whatever.

I felt trapped, like I was in a fog.
A Songbird who was forbade to sing.
I was so tattered and disheveled,
It looked like there was no way out.

And then you found your way into my life.
You looked past all of my flaws,
And saw me for who I was.
I felt like my life was changed.

When you comforted me during hard times,
You set me free, and finally I could spread my wings.
For the first time in a long while, I feel happy again.
You’re such a good friend, and you know just what to say.

So please stay a little while longer
As I rest my head on your shoulder.
Your warm smile and expressions
Tell me that you don’t want me to leave.

What do you think?

It has got a certain something
(bits of it don't quite work
I felt trapped as if in a fog (?) sounds better to me
forbidden not forbade
And saw who I really was

The third verse, the lines seem to get longer and longer
- could you edit them to match the other verses, do you thinK?

I always think an unrhymed poem has got to use words in extraordinary ways in order for it to work for me as a reader.
Your poem is nice, but not especially memorable.

uh BORING

Royael

I'd like it better if the person had found themselves as opposed to finding someone else in order to be fulfilled.

Other Answers (7)

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by Nemo

Member since:: March 16, 2008
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i like it.. i think that if you could switch some word choices up and make it rhyme but still keep the message it carries it would be a much greater poem

~sig~
7 days without soccer makes one weak

It was good, very good in fact! If it's published a lot of people will like it. =)

You don't need to make it rhyme =\

I think the third stanza throws it off because suddenly it's big then goes back to small. Try and reword that one to sound better.

I like that it's about your friend. =D Sounds cool that way.

Maybe some more metaphors would make it sound cooler. Referring to yourself as a bird more.

I know there's something else... but I can't think of it right now... o.o

Awww that was so sweet!
I loved it!
Not corny at all!

Nope......it's not corny
........it's kinda romantic.

I think ur poem is very good! i write poems alots 2 watever u have on ur mind just jot it down

I think it's pretty good, and changing just a little around will make it better.
Your friend will love it.
Nice work:)

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