Give this one a go!??

Question:Channel Surfing

Flipping through the channels
When I saw you
The tears started flowing
There was nothing I could do

Why you left I do not know
But I know one thing
You were hell-bent to go

Was it the money, or the fame?
Whatever the reason, it was lame
You left me sitting here alone
With a tear in my cup of cheer

I used to be happy
But now life seems crappy
You left me for the gold
All the money fame can bring
It hasn’t gotten old

But you forget, love is not
Something fame can buy
So you leave me wondering why
Maybe just maybe you might
Give us another try

What do you think??

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Channel Surfing

Flipping through the channels
When I saw you
The tears started flowing
There was nothing I could do

Why you left I do not know
But I know one thing
You were hell-bent to go

Was it the money, or the fame?
Whatever the reason, it was lame
You left me sitting here alone
With a tear in my cup of cheer

I used to be happy
But now life seems crappy
You left me for the gold
All the money fame can bring
It hasn’t gotten old

But you forget, love is not
Something fame can buy
So you leave me wondering why
Maybe just maybe you might
Give us another try

What do you think??

It's a good message and it has a good feeling, but in some parts, it seems like you just inserted an easy rhyme. (Was it the money, or the fame? / Whatever the reason, it was lame.) Another big example is I used to be happy / But now life seems crappy. If you're going to do rhyme, make it effortless!

Thats amazing, did you write that?

That's real good.
I think it would even be great for a song.

i like it but i don't like the use of crappy in the poem but other wise amazing

Syllables...

Examples:

Running

Cunning

Gold and old don't go together.

They aren't related to each other, forced rhyme.

know and no.....

Know = Flow = Glow

Not no.

Try harder next time.

1/10

I like it-well written...but why is the person moping about someone who didnt value him more than more money or fame? he deserves better than that

thats really good .... makes me want to give you a hug *huggs*