Short story i wrote "A Lamp" any thoughts?

Question:Her eyes stared blankly at the lamp, watering slightly at its brightness. Jane couldn't do anything productive yet she couldn't just sleep like everyone else at 1 in the morning.

Her mind raced, about her day, her life, what might happen next, what she knew would never happen, her friends, her family, the world, the universe, things she's learned, things she wish she understood, her place in the world and most important who she is.

Jane's life was never particularly interesting. Just the average and she did what was expected of her. Constantly following orders and getting those precious A's in school. She had friends and dressed to fit in. But it seemed as though she was concealing her true identity. This is when Jane was only existing; not living just being.

This existence left her with both emptiness and anxiety, neither very flattering on her ever so important complexion. Thus, she continued staring as if that lamp would solve all of her curiosities and confusion.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Her eyes stared blankly at the lamp, watering slightly at its brightness. Jane couldn't do anything productive yet she couldn't just sleep like everyone else at 1 in the morning.

Her mind raced, about her day, her life, what might happen next, what she knew would never happen, her friends, her family, the world, the universe, things she's learned, things she wish she understood, her place in the world and most important who she is.

Jane's life was never particularly interesting. Just the average and she did what was expected of her. Constantly following orders and getting those precious A's in school. She had friends and dressed to fit in. But it seemed as though she was concealing her true identity. This is when Jane was only existing; not living just being.

This existence left her with both emptiness and anxiety, neither very flattering on her ever so important complexion. Thus, she continued staring as if that lamp would solve all of her curiosities and confusion.

I'm an editor, so if I come across too sharp, just forgive me, please.

I like your use of the lamp. It's a great metaphor.

What does this girl look like -- I had the feeling that she was slight of build with long blond hair, and you didn't write that -- but you created the image in my mind. An excellent skill.

Build Jane's character more -- that way when she steps off the balcony, your readers will care.

You can do this by adding a lot of thoughts -- linger on them. You have a start in paragraph 2 -- but when you write the list of items -- give each one depth and a sentence or paragraph -- why does Jane think about this?

You show a lot of anger in paragraph 3 -- but not if she is under pressure or stress because she is actually out of control; what drives these angers?

She is obviously worried about her complexion, which shows conflict with her sense of nothingness.

"else at 1 in the morning." . . . . "else at 1:00 in the morning" . .OR . "else at one in the morning."

It's really late here. Keep writing. Do not stop, ever. Do not take a break. Write another story. This will bring you the career you want -- write, edit, rewrite, edit ... it's a process, but just never let it go.

I have written some short stories myself, but I am no pro. I read your story. The description was good and the story smoothly glided until the end, but suddenly there was a bump when she slipped off the edge. You can smooth it over and make the character more acquainted with the reader. But I liked the story and for a 14-year-old writer, you write quite well. Keep writing.

I'd have to agree with torit; there wasn't enough character development to make me care about Jane. The story captures the mood of insomnia and all the wild thoughts associated with it, but in an abstract way (abstract isn't a good thing in writing). I didn't feel Jane's insomnia and wild thoughts. I had to lend my own to the story, as a writer I don't mind lending out my stuff, but as a reader I don't want to do that. I should be taking stuff from the story. I hope that makes sense.

Good job though, I just finished a college writing course and that was better than half of what my class work shopped.

Remember: "Good writing is rewriting what you've rewritten."
That's a quote from one of my creative writing books. I can't find the book it was in to give the author credit though, but it's not mine. I'll keep looking, if I find it I'll put it up here.