Edited, resubmission of "Friends" poem...does it work?

Question:This is far from my usual style. I woke up with these words in my head and they were in this form. Tell me what you think, if it works, if it doesn't, or how I can improve it? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Friends

we scout,
we search,
we seek,
out
lives
of those
who need us.
we snare,
we care,
we share,
our
light
with those
who keep us.
we sink,
we sag,
we shrink,
from
sight
of those
who bleed us.
we live,
we laugh,
we love,
in
spite
of those
who leave us.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: This is far from my usual style. I woke up with these words in my head and they were in this form. Tell me what you think, if it works, if it doesn't, or how I can improve it? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Friends

we scout,
we search,
we seek,
out
lives
of those
who need us.
we snare,
we care,
we share,
our
light
with those
who keep us.
we sink,
we sag,
we shrink,
from
sight
of those
who bleed us.
we live,
we laugh,
we love,
in
spite
of those
who leave us.

I don't know what kind of meter it is when there is only one word; I guess it would be a trochaic monometer. The way I scanned it was: the first three being iambic monometers followed by the two trochee's, another iambic and then a dactyl. Either way, I think the structure makes better use of all the heavy stressed words - like stamping it into the readers brain - very powerful, and it's fun to say out loud. I think all that would be gone if the line structure was changed into longer meters.

Yes, it does.

Fantastic, I like the way the poem makes me feel.

If you were to submit this to a good publication, they would ask why it is in that format. Specifically, why do the words "out", "lives", "from", "sight" etc. only use one line? You need to understand that there should be a reason - something that effects the reader's understanding of your meaning, not just because you like the way it looks on paper.

I see a lot of potential in you, you just need some education. You might want to read "Poetry for Dummies" - it really is a great intro! It will give you a good foundation, so that you will be able to use your gift with language to start writing really good poetry. (Also, it's actually fun to read for a book on poetry!).

One tip: try not to get bogged down in rhyming. Poems don't have to rhyme, and many of the best modern poems don't. Let that go for now, and see if you don't start writing some better stuff.

Yes, it does work very well. Friendship is my favourite subject at the moment: it is one of the most important things for me. The end is making me a little sad though... But that 's just today...

I enjoyed the original, and believe the edited version is stronger.

I do have a punctuation suggestion. Consider removing the 3rd comma in each of the structures. The poem did not feel as if it needed a pause there and i believe it reads smoother without the third comma.

As an example:

we scout, [pause]
we search, [pause]
we seek, [pause]
out
lives
of those
who need us. [stop]

or

we scout, [pause]
we search, [pause]
we seek
out
lives
of those
who need us. [stop]

Your choice, of course, just my thoughts.