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Position:Home>Poetry> Feedback Request?Question:Looking for opinions on my poem. ---------------------------------- I wrote you notes On pieces of autumn rain That I grabbed without seeing While walking one day The messages I sent Were small But so am I I’m not ready to speak So I sent them one by one Into the wind and prayed That perhaps you’d pick one up And read what I’d like you to know Or at least If you’re just passing by They make a sound that makes you smile Beneath your tread As you continue on your way Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Looking for opinions on my poem. ---------------------------------- I wrote you notes On pieces of autumn rain That I grabbed without seeing While walking one day The messages I sent Were small But so am I I’m not ready to speak So I sent them one by one Into the wind and prayed That perhaps you’d pick one up And read what I’d like you to know Or at least If you’re just passing by They make a sound that makes you smile Beneath your tread As you continue on your way I like the flow of this, gives it the light yet romantic feel I believe you were looking for. Phrases that I thought were exceptional were "On pieces of autumn rain," just drips romantic emotion and meaning. "The messages I sent were small, but so am I," so humble, so quiet. Nice. This is a very subdued and quiet work--it is completely devoid of ego. Very touching. A lovely read on a sunny afternoon, as I await spring. Great start! I like the beginning very much, but you might look at the beats in line 4...perhaps, "while out weather walking one day", or "while walking home one day" or "while out walking late one day"..."while walking one day" has good aliteration, but it ends to quickly. Also, you might want to put ellipses after "were small" The next stanza is also good, but the pattern doesn't flow from the first stanza...try: Not ready to speak I sent them one by one Into the wind and prayed That perhaps you'd pick one up And read what I'd Like you... To really know The last stanza is off...both length, beats, and form...but not the message. You might try: Or at least if you Were just passing by They'd make a subtle sound That would maybe make you smile Notes beneath your tread As you... Continue on Just some suggestions...love your images...unique. Keep writing I love it but the one line should be changed.... Into the wind and prayed that perhaps you'd pick up one.... It uses the same word to rhyme but the other way it doesn't rhyme. i like the imagry here. but i think you could do with some transitions. over all- has potential! |