Another re-worked poem....where's the experts?

Question:I watch you when
Your back is to me, I gaze
Your hourglass shape, it
Does not cease to amaze.
I take you in my arms; I
Hold you with love eternal,
For you will live longer than I.
Sit on my lap so thee I may love
Wrapped arms around your body
With unimaginable, forever love.
Let my fingers touch you gently.
Of time long ago, make that sound
To touch you more and more we
Shall make beautiful music resound
Through the walls for all to hear.
For they shall enjoy even from afar
The sounds made with love so dear
Always in my arms, my beautiful guitar

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I watch you when
Your back is to me, I gaze
Your hourglass shape, it
Does not cease to amaze.
I take you in my arms; I
Hold you with love eternal,
For you will live longer than I.
Sit on my lap so thee I may love
Wrapped arms around your body
With unimaginable, forever love.
Let my fingers touch you gently.
Of time long ago, make that sound
To touch you more and more we
Shall make beautiful music resound
Through the walls for all to hear.
For they shall enjoy even from afar
The sounds made with love so dear
Always in my arms, my beautiful guitar

This needs better puncuation throughout.

* * *
I watch you when
Your back is to me, I gaze
Your hourglass shape, it
Does not cease to amaze.

(If you had said 'I gaze on your hourglass shape,' that would have made more sense.

'It does not cease to amaze' sounds tacked on just for the rhyme.)

I take you in my arms; I
Hold you with love eternal,
For you will live longer than I.

(No comment.)

Sit on my lap so thee I may love
Wrapped arms around your body
With unimaginable, forever love.

('So thee I may love'...Is this line really necessary?

'Wrapped arms'--This makes no sense without a period after the preceding word 'love.' I think it would sound better as 'Arms wrapped...'

I think you could safely do without 'With unimaginable, forever love.')

Let my fingers touch you gently.
Of time long ago, make that sound
To touch you more and more we
Shall make beautiful music resound

(Body parts do not act; only the mind can act. 'I touch you gently with my fingers' would work better.

'Of time long ago' makes no sense.

'To touch you more and more we shall make...' Needs fixing. Put a period after 'more' and capitalize 'we' as the start of a new sentence. The 'to touch you' phrase looks like a sentence fragment.)

Through the walls for all to hear.
For they shall enjoy even from afar
The sounds made with love so dear
Always in my arms, my beautiful guitar

('with love so dear sounds a bit sappy.

I love that this poem is about a guitar, not a woman. That's great!)

Is there a reason you abandoned the rhyme scheme in the middle, only to pick it up at the end? Minor question really, as the poem is not defined by the use of rhyme, but I ask nevertheless.

I liked how, as the poem built, the lines got longer, and the understanding that you were talking about your guitar began to reveal, as though layers were peeled away with each subsequent line. It was a very interesting read.

One other tiny comment: I found the repeating of the words love at the end of two lines so close together a little distracting, but just a little.

what defines one as "expert"?

i think the poem is pretty good...but don't have much to say for a proper critique. sorry, but i'm kinda tired...

I'm no expert (yet), but I can give you my opinion.

I really liked the subject. I once wrote a song about my bass, but it sounded almost pornographic. This poem better captures what those fine ladies deserve.

However, I would loose all rhyme, or make it all rhyme with a good scheme and since it is about a guitar maybe throw in something that could be used for a chorus (in case you plan on singing it).