Just a short peice for a night cap...what do ya think?

Question:" In My Dreams"

Sometimes it's hard to understand
What keeps the heart from breaking
With all the pain and loneliness
That this old soul keeps taking

The solitude I feel sometimes
When in a crowded room
The loneliness, when not alone
Is somehow worse than doom

I close my eyes, but your still there
My mind just can't get right
But I don't care, your always there
Or in my dreams at night

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: " In My Dreams"

Sometimes it's hard to understand
What keeps the heart from breaking
With all the pain and loneliness
That this old soul keeps taking

The solitude I feel sometimes
When in a crowded room
The loneliness, when not alone
Is somehow worse than doom

I close my eyes, but your still there
My mind just can't get right
But I don't care, your always there
Or in my dreams at night

I think that this poem is beautiful...but it makes me remember the days when I felt this way. Lonely and hopeless and sad. But I realized I was never alone...

Peace

Very nice! I like it!

It really flows well. I think you meant to put you're there but other then that it's a very good poem. Keep writing you have talent.

Okay -- remember that I am an editor and a writer.

The poem is a pretty piece that expresses the loneliness so many of us have gone through -- or are going through. This gives you the universality that takes a few words to a place that can touch many.
It has a lovely feeling of the happiness the dreamer knows will be with him as soon as sleep takes him to the lost one.

I love the use of "this old soul" because it visualizes ages and ages -- for eons of loss.

The first two stanzas have the repetition of "sometimes and loneliness" -- which is somewhat of a connector between them, but it is also redundant and you can find words more unique than common.

Your first stanza is a perfect 8-7-8-7 meter. It flows, which is what I think you need this poem to do -- flow from the loneliness of stanza one to the dreamer's joy in stanza three.

The next stanza is not as smooth - 8-6-8-6 -- the meter within the stanza is acceptable, but the accents fall in such a way that you have forced the rhyme -- room and doom. (that really needs work -- make it flow.)

The next stanza is 8-6-8-6 -- fixing that is easy. the second line of the 3rd stanza feels wrong. I keep reading:
My mind just can't get ..... it ..... right (the added it)
which changes your meter to 8-7-8-6 and I think this works because you have now combined the meter of the first two stanzas into the third.

"your" doesn't work at all. You need you're. Your - it is yours, belongs to you.
But, you are -- which is what you want to say is you're. The apostrophe is for the missing "A" in the contraction.