Any comments on my sonnet?

Question:Sonnet I

If now you died, what would you leave behind?
You say a wasted life leaves only scars
And even if I looked, I’d never find
A tear that fell for you; you claim to mar
All whom you touch. I say you help them heal,
With willing ear and wise and careful tongue
Drawing out the truth of how we feel
For us to see, and right where things are wrong.
Claim not to be a waste of breath and blood;
Your blood does more when flowing through your veins
Than writing dying wishes in the mud
Which cannot be erased by any rains *
So when you hear the calling of the knife
Remember this: you’re not a wasted life.

(c)
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second ever attempt at a sonnet...i think this one went a bit better than my first, but i'm sure it could get better. what do you think?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Sonnet I

If now you died, what would you leave behind?
You say a wasted life leaves only scars
And even if I looked, I’d never find
A tear that fell for you; you claim to mar
All whom you touch. I say you help them heal,
With willing ear and wise and careful tongue
Drawing out the truth of how we feel
For us to see, and right where things are wrong.
Claim not to be a waste of breath and blood;
Your blood does more when flowing through your veins
Than writing dying wishes in the mud
Which cannot be erased by any rains *
So when you hear the calling of the knife
Remember this: you’re not a wasted life.

(c)
------------------
second ever attempt at a sonnet...i think this one went a bit better than my first, but i'm sure it could get better. what do you think?

I love it, fantastic. kept to the sonnet form
but eh? you didn't keep to the quatrains! :P first 'thought' is 4 1/2 lines long
but yeah, tis great, well done, congrats, now you can't moan about not being able to do sonnets

as for the asteriks
you said 'your blood does more than write dying wishes in the mud', (which can be erased) so it should be 'it' not which. which would change it to meaning the blood does more than writing wishes in the mud, it does stuff that cannot be erased by rains?

Very nice, it has balance, and I think I feel the emotion your trying to portray...Thanks for sharing.

Nice iambic pentameter!
Very good.

I like that!! think its great! keep on going!

Chilling. I have been contemplating suicide all morning. It's like you have read my mind. I do hear the siren song of the knife AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

A well-controlled use of the sonnet form, with clear development and persuasive argument.
The "clincher" in the final couplet is expertly timed!
Perhaps find a synonym for "waste(d)" to avoid repetition?
No, I carp; I enjoyed this poem.

good!

wow...really nice

good work

You are talented =) mm.. I think I almost like it. The images you use are getting better "blood writing wishes in the mud" I like this one =).... but I think the sonet it's too positive for me.

I send you kisses in spanish ;)

It's Thrilling! I never had read this kind of Sonnet in my life. Good keep it up.

if that's the case it's interesting since you set the title as the "first". it's good. usually when i try out a sonnet it breaks in the middle where the stanzas change from 4 to 3 lines. but it seems you passed that without bigger problems. the * (4/1) line is indeed a little problematic to my tastes, but the real problem is getting a better word and formation. myself, i'd probably put in something relating to a word ending with an s like "sins, cries, tears, drops" or something of that affect. alternativelly, i'd just camouflage the whole thing by putting a "flowing, falling etc." instead of "any". but it's good. since you say this is your second, regardless of your previous skills it came out quite acceptable. =P naah, it's nice. =)