This is far from my usual style...does it work?

Question:I woke up with these words in my head and they looked like this. Tell me what you think, if it works, if it doesn't, or how I can improve it.

Friends

we scout
we search
we seek
out
lives
of those
who need us
we snare
we care
we share
our
light
with those
who keep us
we sink
we sag
we shrink
from
sight
of those
who demean us
we live
we laugh
we love
in
spite
of those
who leave us

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I woke up with these words in my head and they looked like this. Tell me what you think, if it works, if it doesn't, or how I can improve it.

Friends

we scout
we search
we seek
out
lives
of those
who need us
we snare
we care
we share
our
light
with those
who keep us
we sink
we sag
we shrink
from
sight
of those
who demean us
we live
we laugh
we love
in
spite
of those
who leave us

I like, my only suggestion is that there is an extra syllable in the section "from sight of those who demean us" which breaks the flow ever so slightly. You may want to look at that, or not, it's a nice piece.

that my dear is brilliant in all possible ways.
dont change it.
maybe add alittle more to it, i said maybe.
but dont change it.

I like it. By know means am I an expert, but I like the way it alll flows together.

I love it. It has good rhythm. It flows well. I read it multiple times just to let the ideas sink in. Very good insight into our reaction to how people respond to us.

We sag...

You have a gift. It is very good.

GOOD LUCK!

I don't think you should change this. It sounds good as it is now =]

Great job of succinctly describing how we respond to human stimuli and vice versa. Amazing how the sub-conscious mind can weave a myriad of thoughts & emotions into the fabric of a masterpiece. I really enjoyed and identified with your words. You have a gift. Job well done !

damn...thats awesome. i wouldnt change it and you dont always have to stick to the same style...change things up a little sometimes..this is working for you :)