Poetically inclined people - I need some help please...?

Question:I am attempting to translate a short story - very short - about 2 pages, and, I can use some help. I don't need you to translate... just tell me where it sounds like "bad English". The "story" is a journal entry so the style (in Italian) is very informal. It also sounds "spoken", so you'll see lots of fragments and things like that. That's ok. I'm trying to preserve the original style.

Here's the link to my 360 where it's posted. I'm working on it as "we speak". All your suggestions will be much appreciated. English is not my first language and neither is Italian. I just don't want the author to be turning in his grave at the sight of my translation... ;-)

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I am attempting to translate a short story - very short - about 2 pages, and, I can use some help. I don't need you to translate... just tell me where it sounds like "bad English". The "story" is a journal entry so the style (in Italian) is very informal. It also sounds "spoken", so you'll see lots of fragments and things like that. That's ok. I'm trying to preserve the original style.

Here's the link to my 360 where it's posted. I'm working on it as "we speak". All your suggestions will be much appreciated. English is not my first language and neither is Italian. I just don't want the author to be turning in his grave at the sight of my translation... ;-)

Very beautiful! It's all personal style I suppose and it is translated very well. I put some thoughts into the below paragraphs. If you replace "[this]" with "(this)" you can see what I am suggesting. Let me know if that makes sense.

I wish you would [come to] (join?) me on a winter evening and, together, behind the glass, watching the solitude of the dark and frosted streets, we’d remember the winters of fairy tales, where people live together without knowing it. By the same destined paths, we passed, in fact, you and I, with timid steps, together [we] (you can remove this word) crossed the forests filled with wolves, and the very genies (I don't know if genies translates right because I don't know the folklore) spied on us from the moss tufts suspended from [the towers amid the flutter of ravens] (towers amid a flutter of ravens OR towers amid the fluttering ravens).

Together, [without knowing it] (unknowing?), perhaps we both watched the mysterious life [that was] (maybe remove this?) awaiting us. There, for the first time, tender and crazy desires throbbed within us. “Remember?” we would say to each other, hugging closely in the warm room, and you would smile faithfully while outside the wind gloomily shook the metal sheets.

You would say “How beautiful!” And you’d say nothing else because we would be happy, our bodies having lost the weight of the years, our souls becoming fresh, as if they were just born. But you, now (that?) I think of it – (I fear?) you would look around [you] (maybe remove this?) without understanding, [I fear], and you would stop(,) concerned to fix your stocking[,] (and) [you’d] ask me for a cigarette(,) eager to go back.

I'm not a great writer but many of my contacts are, so hopefully they will see my star and surface for you! Good luck. I'm not a critic or editor. Your translation looks great so far. I look forward to reading more.

Take care.