Again a haiku, what think you all of this one?

Question:Sky, dotted with stars,
No light from Earth eclipses
Only moon outshines

What I am trying to evoke in this one is clear to me, but something in the words is missing the mark, at least for me. Unfortunately, I can't seem to distance myself far enough from the thing for it to reveal itself to me. Any suggestions or comments?

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Sky, dotted with stars,
No light from Earth eclipses
Only moon outshines

What I am trying to evoke in this one is clear to me, but something in the words is missing the mark, at least for me. Unfortunately, I can't seem to distance myself far enough from the thing for it to reveal itself to me. Any suggestions or comments?

I do not like it
too many syllables in
the second line, twit

What comes across to me is the heavens (small 'H' intentional) are brilliant, the man-made lights are a pale imitation, but the moon, a reflection of starlight (the Sun being, after all, a star) can overcome that brilliance with it's own.

I might consider replacing 'only' the 'but the' but that's just because you asked for suggestions. I like it.

How's this? I'm going by what you're saying about "no light" from the Earth, and if there is none, everything by default outshines it.

Sky, dotted with stars,
No light from Earth, eclipses
Only the moon shines

How does that sound?

The word 'eclipses' is my problem here. I think I know what you mean, there is no daylight to drown the light of stars, but because the word 'eclipse' is already tied up with a specific image, it confuses my mind a bit.

I quite like the idea of the stars being submerged in daylight as if underwater, it's visual.

Having grown up in a rural area, the image painted is excellent. Try something along the line of "man made lights do not eclipse." Man made is cliched but the line coveys more of what you intended. Massage it more and I am sure you will come up with the right phrasing

Your imagery seems
Just a little vague. But still,
I see what you see.