Rate Muh Poem?

Question:It's about a failing relationship. Autobiographical. Just tell me if you think it's okay, or if it just flat-out sucks balls:

“Kids in a Parking Lot”

The three geese flying overhead
Caught her attention for much too long.
Her eyes still pink, as she gazed up,
From her disappointment in me.

But my eyes, they were on hers,
And I watched uneasily
From across the roof of her car.
My hand on the door handle.

“Those birds are gone for some time,”
But she entered her car, fastened her seatbelt,
Reached across the seat, pulled up the lock
And let me in.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: It's about a failing relationship. Autobiographical. Just tell me if you think it's okay, or if it just flat-out sucks balls:

“Kids in a Parking Lot”

The three geese flying overhead
Caught her attention for much too long.
Her eyes still pink, as she gazed up,
From her disappointment in me.

But my eyes, they were on hers,
And I watched uneasily
From across the roof of her car.
My hand on the door handle.

“Those birds are gone for some time,”
But she entered her car, fastened her seatbelt,
Reached across the seat, pulled up the lock
And let me in.

Having read it a number of times, I think that it is quite good. It is simple and straight to the point.. I would like to suggest that your replace "pink" with "red". The girl has obviously been crying.

There is no need for the first line of the last verse, and could be replaced with something like "Her tear stained face turned towards me, As she got into...

Well done.

Robert

i don't get it
=/

Good effort but it kinda does need some work. Keep workin on it though.

its.....good. strangely hypnotizing....but in a good way. i can really imagine it. like, some red car in a parking lot, and this pretty girl with brown hair looking up at some geese, and she's disappointed at you, and the geese have long since left, but she's still looking up. and then in the end she decides its still worth it. its not clever, but for some reason....its strangely beautiful.....

I really liked it through the part where you saw the top of her car.
When you said that you were flying AND putting you hand on the door handle, I got confused.. maybe a minor parallelism problem here.. maybe not.
And she accepts you at the end.. even though she looks up to you in disappointment.. You need a 4th paragraph.

This is off to a good start. I like it a lot.
Keep going!

I like it!

In a way, it does sort of wrap things up kind of suddenly, but when you let the title put this into context, it makes sense.

It is quite interesting .I like where you go from the geese back down to earth and back to think about the geese. The girl seems to be wanting to fly with them but settles for coming back to reality. You have put time and space into this. It improves with reading but on first reading I was not impressed

I thunk its nut baaaaaard !