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Position:Home>Poetry> A poem, anyone? Eh eh eh?Question:Headlights peirce through narrow windows And they slide across my walls to another place in time Just like the man who slides a puzzle peice to fit within a picture. And my heart is empty with only a shell like the moon that I see dancing through branches. Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Headlights peirce through narrow windows And they slide across my walls to another place in time Just like the man who slides a puzzle peice to fit within a picture. And my heart is empty with only a shell like the moon that I see dancing through branches. The truth? Okay ... line by line: Headlights peirce through narrow windows And they slide across my walls to another place in time Those first three lines paint a fine word picture. Two comments: 1. "peirce" should be "pierce" and 2. You might want to consider changing "place in time" to "place and time". Just like the man who slides a puzzle peice to fit within a picture. The above two lines do not fit well. Either replace them with something more graphic and less jarring, or leave them out. There seems no point in introducing "the man" to "slides a puzzle peice (should be piece, anyhow) ". And my heart is empty with only a shell like the moon that I see dancing through branches. Almost a nice finish, but how is the moon "only a shell"? You need a different simile. Overall, a touching poem that invokes the image of a lonely, heartbroken waif in her room at night. I truly like it, but you certainly can improve it further. That's the truth! Thanks for the "Best Answer" and good luck with your poetry! Report It * You must be logged into Answers to add comments. Sign in or Register. Other Answers (5) |