I just wrote this poem, do you mind reading it?

Question:if you could tell me what you think of it, id really appreciate it. even if what you think isn't good. id just like to know if this only makes sense in my head.

bruised and shaking, a hollow woman comes to you, to your door.
you're blinded to her wounds, her hurt, her story-you ignore.
she speaks of beasts that hunt with dark, in the shadows of the night
she speaks of days when she was young, when she was full of light.
she says that once, her eyes were round and beautiful and calling,
but as you look, her eyes are blank, you take that as her stalling.
for your home is warm and as you stand, the air slyly escapes.
she wont back down and you feel wrong, listening to her mistakes.
you step away and as you do, she reaches for your arm.
you pull it close and slam the door, think of setting the alarm.
you hear her scream and cry and beg: "just listen as i speak!"
you close your eyes and say a prayer. she's forgotten in a week.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: if you could tell me what you think of it, id really appreciate it. even if what you think isn't good. id just like to know if this only makes sense in my head.

bruised and shaking, a hollow woman comes to you, to your door.
you're blinded to her wounds, her hurt, her story-you ignore.
she speaks of beasts that hunt with dark, in the shadows of the night
she speaks of days when she was young, when she was full of light.
she says that once, her eyes were round and beautiful and calling,
but as you look, her eyes are blank, you take that as her stalling.
for your home is warm and as you stand, the air slyly escapes.
she wont back down and you feel wrong, listening to her mistakes.
you step away and as you do, she reaches for your arm.
you pull it close and slam the door, think of setting the alarm.
you hear her scream and cry and beg: "just listen as i speak!"
you close your eyes and say a prayer. she's forgotten in a week.

Rotten. It's really rotten. As you envisioned, I lie. It's a good poem. I think it is about the homeless and the shoreless, those who are ceasons of luck.

You must get it published. I think you will definately succeed.

i just would not want to be that womam.....

It is very good. Very true and sad that we humans are like this isn't it. I wish we would all wake up and see that we shouldn't be so cruel to others.

personally i like it. moving and i think a lot of people can relate to it. :-)

It makes think of our nation and of generation's that want instant gratification. They don't want to have to wait to hear how to avoid mistakes or to help someone in need.They try to avoid any doubts that their way is not the only true way. That said it speaks to more than one generation, because of these types this country is in the shape it is. I LIKE IT!

The ideas are good and the descriptions captivating. The rhyming is a bit stilted and the words do not flow well. You need to work on this some more but leave it a few days and come back to it

great poem!! i really enjoyed it :)

You know this poem brings tears to my eyes and hurt in my heart because this is reality and it does happen. It happened to my mother, she was abused by my father (in front f us) but this all made me emotional strong!

now this is great...Thanks for sharing...
hope you write some more!

Focus on form, sentence structure, capitalization and punctuation.
Loose the conjunction words and make them full formed.
Makes the piece stronger.
Loose the not needed add words used as fillers.

Recite it to yourself in front of a mirror.
Recite it again using a recorder and play it back listening carefully.

Needs a lot of work, but your foundation is good.
Keep working and writing.
Sam

Brilliant.

The images it put in my mind were so vivid. The way it is written makes it flow nicely as you read it.

Keep writing.
I'd love to read some more.

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