Hey i wrote a poem can someone give me some constructive critisism?

Question:My own litle world
which only i can see
not you, not her, not him only me
a world where the grass is blue and the sky is green
where we put shoes on our hands and gloves on our feet
the magic, the mystey is so much to take in
this world stretches out like a vast ocean
as i walk around and explore i notice this mis-shapen little door
The door seems to be elegantly gleaming, as i reach down o open it i suddenly wake up
and realize i was only dreaming

plz tell me what you think :)

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: My own litle world
which only i can see
not you, not her, not him only me
a world where the grass is blue and the sky is green
where we put shoes on our hands and gloves on our feet
the magic, the mystey is so much to take in
this world stretches out like a vast ocean
as i walk around and explore i notice this mis-shapen little door
The door seems to be elegantly gleaming, as i reach down o open it i suddenly wake up
and realize i was only dreaming

plz tell me what you think :)

Dear Dave

If this is your first attempt at writing poetry, then it is not bad and I congratulate you on putting your thoughts into print.

As for some constructive thoughts, well try and get your rhyming words to come at the end of each line which should be roughly the same length.
Your first two lines could have been as one line of words, so that your third line ended with the firsts sound of "ee"
"My own little world which only I can see,
Not you, not her, not him only me.
A world where the grass is blue and the sky is green,
(If you take out "A world" it will bring the line closer to the length of the previous lines but not loose any of its meaning as you have already used the word world. So we now have,
"My own little world which only I can see,
Not you, not her, not him only me.
Where the grass is blue and the sky is green, (See what I mean?)
Your next line "Where we put shoes on our hands and gloves on our feet"
Now as your poem seems to warrant the end word of each two lines to be rhyming words, you will need to find another word to rhyme with green, whereas at the moment your have feet.
Your 6th and 7th lines seem to be fine, but in your final 3 lines seem to break the tempo and tell the rest in story form.

Rather than dishearten you my friend with any further constructive suggestions, helpful or otherwise. Have a look at your poem and see if you can reconstruct the last there lines to fit in with all of the others.

Once you have done it, why not resubmit it again.
I am sure that you will receive more help far better than what I have given you. But keep up with your poetry writing.

All the very best

Robert Harrison

beautiful

i liked it, actually was anxious to find out what was behind the little door............cool!

I really like it, it rhymes too! Thats good!

I like! how about saying, " I notice " a " little mishapen door"
Great poem tuck it away never lose it, expand on it like a alice in wonderland thing.

I think its really good.But I would work on the ending alittle.I Like the "My own little world".Its truley something special.

sounds like paradise :)
i don't know what to critisize about this, there's a typo on the first line but its not important, it had a steady rhythm that only stumbled over the word "ocean" in the seveth line, it is imaginitive. Misshapen doesn't have a hyphen, i liked it

wow i really liked that it was very good well written and interesting it had suspense good job

Pretty good. Try working on your prose, a little stricter structure. You've got potential, I hope you keep writing