What do you think of my suicide poem? how could it be better?

Question:Suicidal Friend:

with the trigger in her hand,
she contemplates a lot;
is her life worth it?
she seems to think not.
in just one quick second,
her life comes to an end.
is this how she wants to be remembered?
just another suicidal friend.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Suicidal Friend:

with the trigger in her hand,
she contemplates a lot;
is her life worth it?
she seems to think not.
in just one quick second,
her life comes to an end.
is this how she wants to be remembered?
just another suicidal friend.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It is a very touching poem. When my brother was living in a home trying to get help, I thought he would die. He was so bad off. He got his self addicted to crack and he looked like a walking, dead skeleton. Every time the song, 'How Do You Get That Lonely' by Blaine Larsen came on, I just cried. It is amazing how some people will sink so low and get so depressed and nobody knows. Listen to that song, it's very touching as well.

I think it is awesome. You don't need to change it in any way. I'm sorry about your friend too.

Not to demean your feelings or your loss in any way, this poem offers nothing of note beyond the last line, which had something. The rest was just dull.

For one thing, the rhyme doesn't work, doesn't flow, sounds
forced.

I don't get any emotions from the poem, either in myself or painted about the shooter--the suicidal friend--nor those left behind.

Try again is my best advice. But if it took some of your grief from you, then it served its purpose, and perhaps that is all it was ever intended to do.

(you are great, not less)

Suicidal Friend:

With trigger in her hand,
she contemplates a lot;
is life worth it? IS IT ?
she seems to think IT'S not.
in just one second, QUICK,
her life comes to an end.
THIS WAY, THIS HOW
she wants to be remembered?
SHE DIES, SHE BENDS;
SHE WON'T BE just another
of my suicidal friends.

With the trigger in her hand,
she contemplates a lot;
is her life worth it?
She seems to think it's not.
In just one quick second,
her life comes to a bitter end,
is this how she wants to be remembered?
Just another suicidal friend.

You don't have to do this. Just a suggestion. I know what it means to lose a friend to suicide and to be the one to almost go through suicide. I hope you have found peace.

I'm not sure how you could make it better if that is possible. It is really good. I'm sorry about your friend.