Objective Criticism?

Question:I'd like to keep getting feedback on my work, so here's a poem that I wrote in October. I'm actually still fond of this one.

All comments are welcome, but I'm looking for specific objective criticism with suggestions:

Butt-Ends of Days and Ways

"You are the bee's knees,
but so am I."
-Steven Morrissey

The sky is growing dark.

If the moon was any closer
I could rest my head against her golden face,
but the pavement in front of me
streams by; a procession
of white lines
and tar.

The caffeine in my bloodstream
is thickening.

Hazed voices murmur in
the back seat, triumphant,
awaiting the new friends that they will
polish and place over their respective
mantlepiece;

Insects, pinned and wriggling
on a wall.

My head may stop hammering
once the backs of my lips
are licked, stammering with
nicotine.

My head may stop sweltering
once my hands are finally full
of mason jars filled with jelled smiles
and glazed eyes;

Once I am pinned and mounted,
like a butterfly.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I'd like to keep getting feedback on my work, so here's a poem that I wrote in October. I'm actually still fond of this one.

All comments are welcome, but I'm looking for specific objective criticism with suggestions:

Butt-Ends of Days and Ways

"You are the bee's knees,
but so am I."
-Steven Morrissey

The sky is growing dark.

If the moon was any closer
I could rest my head against her golden face,
but the pavement in front of me
streams by; a procession
of white lines
and tar.

The caffeine in my bloodstream
is thickening.

Hazed voices murmur in
the back seat, triumphant,
awaiting the new friends that they will
polish and place over their respective
mantlepiece;

Insects, pinned and wriggling
on a wall.

My head may stop hammering
once the backs of my lips
are licked, stammering with
nicotine.

My head may stop sweltering
once my hands are finally full
of mason jars filled with jelled smiles
and glazed eyes;

Once I am pinned and mounted,
like a butterfly.

The beginning is a little confusing...I don't get the connection to the title, but it's late and I'm tired. However, the rest of the poem is quite good. I'd change "golden" to "pale" or "silver" unless it's a "harvest" moon, in which case you could simply say, "against her harvest face" and we'd understand the apparent size (it really isn't "closer", it just looks that way) and the color in one phrase. The line, "hazed voices murmur in the back seat, triumphant"...do you mean your "catch"? or were there others present? If they are captive, how would they be "triumphant"? and the "polish and place over their respective mantlepiece"...again, I'm a little confused because if they are "hunters" then they wouldn't be "polishing" their hunted and preserved heads...if they "won" some award, I'm not sure how "friends" ties into it. The other images you provide are clear and vibrant. Your line breaks are pretty good, although you've enjambed some lines for no apparent reason other than to keep the flow moving forward...and that is okay if it would have stalled without the enjambment...and I'm not sure they would have done that in all cases. Why would a head "swelter" from the lack of mason jars filled with anything but ice? (swelter meaning to suffer from oppressive heat).

Still, the images that were clear were very clear and familiar...the parts that confused me, I've articulated.

nice job, keep writing