I'm entering writing contest. Comments on this poem would be appreciated.?

Question:She feels like she carries the world on her shoulder

Heavy burdens dig her spine like a rough and jagged boulder.

The angels up above had already polled her

on the value of the life for which she is the holder.

Be careful with yourself, that's what God already told her

when she was all alone and felt her world was growing colder.

But, she feels like she sold her

entire self and soul to the one who promised he would hold her.

Through thick and thin, and when life threatened to fold her

and through the times she felt like life had somehow owed her

or be by at least til life offered her something golder

he would stand by her side like a strong and mighty soldier.

But perhaps, someday, when she gets a little older

she'll find these burdens on her shoulder

were really blessings that had slowed her.

And life will somehow show her
it was it's secret way to mold her.

Raedena T San Agustin

Copyright ?2006 Raedena T San Agustin

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: She feels like she carries the world on her shoulder

Heavy burdens dig her spine like a rough and jagged boulder.

The angels up above had already polled her

on the value of the life for which she is the holder.

Be careful with yourself, that's what God already told her

when she was all alone and felt her world was growing colder.

But, she feels like she sold her

entire self and soul to the one who promised he would hold her.

Through thick and thin, and when life threatened to fold her

and through the times she felt like life had somehow owed her

or be by at least til life offered her something golder

he would stand by her side like a strong and mighty soldier.

But perhaps, someday, when she gets a little older

she'll find these burdens on her shoulder

were really blessings that had slowed her.

And life will somehow show her
it was it's secret way to mold her.

Raedena T San Agustin

Copyright ?2006 Raedena T San Agustin

"Carries the world on her shoulder," "Through think and thin," and "Burdens on ___ shoulder" are cliches. Try to re-write and make these phrases your own. One suggestion for the first phrase would be to take out that line and start the poem with the second line. In that second line it seems that there is a word missing between "dig" and "her." Other than that it's pretty good. Oh, it's "till" not "til."

I liked the beginning.. but i think all the ers and hers got a little annoying at the end..

THAT IS AN AWESOME POEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

NOT BAD, NOT GREAT. kEEP TRYING. x

i agree with Ivy about all the endings with -er change it a little not every last word of every sentence has to end with -er

Read through it yourself, is it really enjoyable?

i luv it

I really liked it. You can see the emotion in your writing.

It's more of a rhyme than a peom and yes, there is a difference... It's an amazing rhyme. Rhyming is kind of like writing poems, but it's a little more rhythmic. There's more of a beat to it than a melody.

its good.................

It's a good idea in the poem- I like the message, it makes a great poem. But there's no flow, and the rhyme sounds forced.

Excellent rhyming work. Some of the phrases are a little vague and awkward. I suggest only a couple of word changes or inserts just to keep the tempo flowing. The body and direction of your work is great, though, even if you make no changes. Might I suggest you consider these changes :
1) For line 5: this line could sound better
"Be careful with yourself, that's what God already told her," if you insert the words "once had" after "God" ,delete "already"

Be careful with yourself, that's what God "had" already told her

2) Line 7 breaks your tempo a little because it's too short, and it's vague because, whom does the 2nd "she" refer to? and who is "her"? Not knowing those two things this line change may not work, but:

"But, she feels like she sold her" -to-
But, looking back, she now feels that she actually sold her

3) "entire self and soul" is redundant but if you say
entire self, "body" and soul, to the one who vowed he'd hold her. - would have a better tempo

4) Change: "Through thick and thin, and when life threatened to fold her" -to-
Through thick and thin, and when life "again" threatened to "enfold" her,

5)"and through the times she felt like life had somehow owed her" -to- (insert -"that" between
"times" and "she", change "like" to "as if", delete "had" change "somehow" to "itself" <--->

and through the times "that" she felt "as if" life "itself" owed her"

6) or be by at least til life offered her something golder ????? how about:

and should at least come by and fill her plate with something a little golder (bolder?)

7) he would stand by her side like a strong and mighty soldier. -to-

He once stood by her side like a strong and mighty soldier

8) But perhaps, someday, when she gets a little older -to-

Heavy laden now, but perhaps, someday, when she gets a little older

9)"she'll find these burdens on her shoulder" -to-

she'll discover why these burdens that now rest upon her shoulder

10) "were really blessings that had slowed her."
-to-
were life's blessings in disguise that she only thought had slowed her.

11) And life will somehow show her
it was it's secret way to mold her. -flows better as -

When, in truth, it was life's subtle way to mold her.
**************************************...
She feels like she carries the world on her shoulder
Heavy burdens dig her spine like a rough and jagged boulder.
The angels up above long ago had already polled her
And placed a value on the life for which she was, in fact, the holder.
"Be careful with yourself," that's what God once had told her
when she was all alone and felt her world was growing colder.
But, looking back, she now feels that she actually sold her
entire self, body and soul to the one who vowed he'd hold her
through thick and thin, and when life again threatened to enfold her,
And through all the times that she felt as if life itself owed her"
and should at least come by and fill her plate with something golder (bolder?)
He once stood by her side like a strong and mighty soldier
Heavy laden now, but perhaps, someday, when she gets a little older
she'll discover why these burdens that now rest upon her shoulder
were life's blessings in disguise that she only thought had slowed her.
When, in truth, it was life's subtle way to mold her.