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Position:Home>Poetry> 2 poems .......please share your thoughts and ideas on how i can improve em if sQuestion:........................................... I'm laying on my bed and next to me is you you smile and look at me. ME? Get real I think and then reality comes flying at me I wake up, you are gone and still I'm alone.............. ......................................... Figured you would do me this way. You probably never loved me anyway, but whatever. I'm not gonna say i miss you, no matter how bad i want to kiss you im gonna let you go walk out that door maybe once you're gone i wont hurt so much anymore.... Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: ........................................... I'm laying on my bed and next to me is you you smile and look at me. ME? Get real I think and then reality comes flying at me I wake up, you are gone and still I'm alone.............. ......................................... Figured you would do me this way. You probably never loved me anyway, but whatever. I'm not gonna say i miss you, no matter how bad i want to kiss you im gonna let you go walk out that door maybe once you're gone i wont hurt so much anymore.... I forgot there were "2" poems because the second flowed so easily from the first...I'd suggest you make them one poem instead of two for starters. You have some grammar errors, like "Get real I think...", it should be, "Get real", I think, and then reality comes flying at me. because "Get real" is a quote of what you were thinking. In the second poem, which I'll call the second part of the first poem, you use the lower case "i" instead of the proper pronoun "I"...don't do this...it shows low self-esteem and self-worth, even though that may not have been your intent. Also, "I am" is contracted to, I'm, not im...."gonna" should be "going to"...there is no reason I can see for using the wrong expression...because there is nothing gained by using it instead of proper English. Your poem is actually pretty good, so don't cheapen it with slang unless it benefits from doing so...and in this case it doesn't. Make the edits...because other than that, I think it's a good poem. ...and keep writing I love the second one!!!! the first one is just vague it needs more adjectives. Im no poet but I had a go at it. LOL I wake up to hear you breathing I wonder what you are thinking I open my eyes to see my reflection in yours I smile ...... at this perfect life of ours Then I realize I am dreaming and I wish this feeling would leave me just like you did The first is imcomplete. Write more in the fist one. Write whatever you feel and then read and correct it. The second one is ok but it can be better. I feel like I want to hear more from both poems. You have a good start on both of them but they don't sound finished or at least to me they don't. Good luck with finishing them I'd like to read them if you decide to write more on them. |