Please comment on this? waterfall?

Question:The cool, clear liquid rolls off the rocks
The surface shatters like broken glass
Lilies float on the glassy surface

Singular drops rush into race
To splash icy coldness onto my face
As I stand under the waterfall.

The sun beats down onto my hands, legs and neck
Mother Natures hands close around my feet
And not far away a woodpecker pecks.
The drilling noise is barred by the waterfall
But the bird carries on, giving his all.
As I stand under the waterfall.

The tall forest trees gently overlook me
Whilst bluebells sunbathe and curiously watch me
The long forest track is printed with hoofprints
And the pony stands tied up chewing the mints
That I left him
As I stand under the waterfall.

My toes curl around the gravel underwater
For here I feel home, in Mother Natures daughter
As I stand under the waterfall

Please let me know what you think of this - be critical =p It's going to my N.C.F.E so needs to be good, Thank you for taking your time to read this

=]

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: The cool, clear liquid rolls off the rocks
The surface shatters like broken glass
Lilies float on the glassy surface

Singular drops rush into race
To splash icy coldness onto my face
As I stand under the waterfall.

The sun beats down onto my hands, legs and neck
Mother Natures hands close around my feet
And not far away a woodpecker pecks.
The drilling noise is barred by the waterfall
But the bird carries on, giving his all.
As I stand under the waterfall.

The tall forest trees gently overlook me
Whilst bluebells sunbathe and curiously watch me
The long forest track is printed with hoofprints
And the pony stands tied up chewing the mints
That I left him
As I stand under the waterfall.

My toes curl around the gravel underwater
For here I feel home, in Mother Natures daughter
As I stand under the waterfall

Please let me know what you think of this - be critical =p It's going to my N.C.F.E so needs to be good, Thank you for taking your time to read this

=]

It's really good!! But i would only make a few changes such as:

The cool, clear liquid rolls off the rocks
The surface shatters like broken glass
Lilies float on the glassy surface

Singular drops rush into race
To splash icy coldness into my face
As I stand under this waterfall,

The sun beats down onto my hands, legs and neck
Mother Natures hands close behind my head
And not far away a woodpeckers pecking
The drilling noise is barred by the waterfall
But the bird carries on, giving his all.
As I stand under this waterfall.

The tall forest trees gently overlook me
Whilst bluebells sunbathe and curiously watch me
The long forest track is printed with hoofprints
And the pony stands tied up chewing the mints
That I left for him
As I stand under this waterfall.

My toes curl around the gravel underwater
For here I feel home, in Mother Natures daughter
As I'm standing under this waterfall.

Very NIce!, i only made a few changes but you get a very strong 9 for you poem with out my changes!

Have a great day!! ttyl :)

It's not bad. It's a little off meter in spots, but I like the imagery - especially suggesting that a waterfall can be the daughter of Mother Nature.

You might want to tweak the lines to where you have a common rhyme or meter scheme. Other than that I would not be embarrassed about this one.

Ok! It looks as though you have spent some time on it!

It sounds pretty good. I hope I'll hear the music and rhythm. There are a lot of adjectives and I like that! It's very picturesquely and I want to paint a picture of your song.

Suggestion: Repeating the word waterfall in the third stanza two times steals power from the word as a close to each stanza (save the first). You may want to change the reference in the line "The drilling noise..."

Otherwise it is nice, simple, evocative--a pastoral moment, painted nicely.

you know its not nice to criticise,but i think its good,with a little bit of tinkering it could be much better,maybe,try,under verse 1,in the centre of it,"SMASHING"UNDER 2,SPLASHING,3,LAUGHING,4WATCHING,its just a thought its how you express yourself whilst reading it.its like a story,experiment it doesn't always have to rhyme.good luck..

Okay, honest comments: "the cool clear liquid" doesn't work. If you're going to talk about "waterfalls", then we all know "water" is involved...so you don't need to say something other than "water"...just tell us about the water...say, the cool, clear water". Also, if you say it's like broken glass, don't follow-up with an image of things floating on a glassy surface...or find a way to move from one image to the next, like "just past the shards are lillypads". In creating an image of millions of drops combining to make the waterfall, don't use the opposite image..."singular drops rush into race"...you do so to force a rhyme with "face", which ends up sounding too contrived. Also...although repetition is not always a bad thing, your saying "as I stand under the waterfall" is tiring on the ear...we get it...you're standing under the waterfall. If you need to repeat it, do so only at the end so the statement book-ends your poem. The woodpecker image fails to connect with the waterfall image...you can't hear it, and the fact that you can't hear it doesn't mean "he" can't hear it, so why the statement that "but the bird carries on"...and avoid rhymed lines that end in hard-end stopped rhyming words. What I mean by that are words which end both the sentence and the line, especially short lines...especially short lines ending in the same word: "waterfall, his all, waterfall". I see the rhyme scheme you were after, but your lines are uneven, as are the stanzas and the forced rhymes leaves your poem unbalanced. You have some good images in there, but they're lost because of form and style errors.

Here are the keepers:
standing under a waterfall
composed of millions of drops of water
Mother Nature's hands around your feet
Tall forest trees above you
Gravel under your toes
A pony waiting nearby
...but not "mother nature's daughter"...why? because Mother Nature is "all" things...unless you are saying that "you" are mother nature's daughter...which might be a good image.

Also, avoid "whilst"...it's archaic language that doesn't fit the voice of your poem.

So, you have good images, now go back and write a new poem. Stick to the images, don't wander off, concern yourself with creating images more than creating a poem that rhymes.

...and keep writing

I love it. In some places it seems a little stilted. I have made a couple of minor examples in fluidity, but poetry is a very personal thing, and it must be what you yourself are trying to express. This was my interpretation, so it is indicative of the picture you have painted for me, which is very complete. I have only used your base to build on, which you can do to suit your own style - I only want to show you how you can build on it, by using the vision you created for me as an example.

1
The cool clear crystals splash over the rocks
Surface shattering, like broken glass it mocks
Yet, peaceful are the mirrored lillies adorning
Resisting the call of the raging awning

2..........

3
The sun beats down upon my limbs, so lithe
Mother Natures hands enveloping so light
And close by, a woodpecker, quite small
The drilling noise, barred, ignoring his call
But the bird carries on, giving his all
As I stand under the waterfall.

4
The tall forest trees, swaying gently over me
While bluebells sunbathe, floating upwards and free
The long forest track, dusted with hoof prints
Where the pony stands tied, chewing his mints
That I left him, so small
As I stand under the waterfall

5..........

I am certain you are going to do very well, as frankly I really like your poem, it inspired me. And that is what a poem is all about. From me, in all my unqualified and dubious expertise, an 'A'.

not bad.............

I like the change you made. It's a nice poem. You should however put as Mother Nature's daughter in your last line, that makes more sense. Good job.