I recently gave it to someone. Critique please on this poem?

Question:Silent Wishes

I wish I were a star in the sky
with no worries
floating
by on a breeze

Not so hard to be there
as long as it's not here
a star that blinks
and doesn't even think
has it easier than me

Twinkling promises
drift on by
shadows fade in moonlit sky
a dreamer's gaze,
unspoken hopes,
silent prayers thrown to the air
I am no where
but you are always there.

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Silent Wishes

I wish I were a star in the sky
with no worries
floating
by on a breeze

Not so hard to be there
as long as it's not here
a star that blinks
and doesn't even think
has it easier than me

Twinkling promises
drift on by
shadows fade in moonlit sky
a dreamer's gaze,
unspoken hopes,
silent prayers thrown to the air
I am no where
but you are always there.

I think it is perfect exept for 1 tiny thing let me redo your first stanza. Yours
I wish i were a star in the sky
with no worries
floating
by on a breeze. Mine
I wish i were a star in the sky
with no worries
floating by
on a gentle breeze.

All i did was move a word and add a word thats how good it is. I hope they liked it i do.

I like it, kind of insprirational and hopeful thinking.

Wow. I liked it, it created images in my mind...it was almost like I was there...nice job.
Deadly Poetry

The rock and the dreamer. The angst and the anchor. Well said.

hmm... guess it's a 'tic late but,

in the second stanza, you might consider chaning the word blink or think, because of the hard rhyme.

nowhere is one word but if you want to work the rhythm, you can do no-where, if you like

the repetitive use of there and here is mildly ... uh, repetitive, so consider changing that,

you might consider inserting a stanza break, between silent prayers thrown to the air (I'd recomend sky, personally, but that's me). / but you are always there.

You know what I like about your poetry?
You have a gift for descriptive writing.
You could make a blind person want to see!
They could touch, taste, and feel, and just experience
the dream and vision you have!
You are asking for a critique......
I think it's a little choppy.
Needs a little work, a little pruning and trimming....
and there you have it, a real polished gem!
PS.
I think you have a promising future in the greeting card business!!! Keep up the good work!
Get a self activated tape recorder to aid yourself in critiquing your own work..Like I do!!!

if you read any of my other comments, you'll know i'm usually very harsh.... but i actually really liked this one....

a few criticisms (meant to be productive... we can always get better!)

"i wish i were a star in the sky" is a little abrupt and almost cliché sounding... I would lead into it some other way...

that's really the only thing i would change... bravo

yes dear, i love the poem. i love all your poems.i write to process thru feelings and heartaches. as i think you do. i just want to make sure you're processing, and are not so depressed you want to commit suicide. sure would be horrible if all these people are reading your poems and missing your cries for help. yes, your words are beautiful, as are your feelings, and your expression of pain. are you processing life ?? or are you depressed ?? i mean seriously need help kind-of depressed. i have sought help before. in alot of ways, for alot of different reasons. read my profile. and email me if you want to talk. love you, toni