A poem for my friend?

Question:Dispair,like a vampires cloak,
envelopes me into darkness,
there was nothing I could do,
to protect you.

You chose your way,
the tears cried
when I saw you led away
but your mothers love
is here to stay,
it will always be that way.

Be strong and do their will,
for in this life we all have had
the taste of the bitter pill.

Learn from this son
For I know that's what you'll do,
and every second,
I'll be missing you.

You are my son
And I will not lie,
for at this moment,
I want to die,

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Dispair,like a vampires cloak,
envelopes me into darkness,
there was nothing I could do,
to protect you.

You chose your way,
the tears cried
when I saw you led away
but your mothers love
is here to stay,
it will always be that way.

Be strong and do their will,
for in this life we all have had
the taste of the bitter pill.

Learn from this son
For I know that's what you'll do,
and every second,
I'll be missing you.

You are my son
And I will not lie,
for at this moment,
I want to die,

fanatastic

FANTASTIMINO

Hmmm. It's not really a question is it unless you're asking what we think of your poem. In which case, I'd say it's pretty weak, especially as poems don't have to rhyme and by forcing a rhyme, it often invalidates the sentiment.

Good. But to Rachel O... To say that rhyme often invalidates sentiment ain't all true. Songs rhyme, and there are plenty of sentimental songs out there.

Holding on when our children have to pay for their mistakes is one of the hardest hurdles Mothers face. One woman jumps from a bridge and drowns, another goes to such lengths to over indulge her imprisoned son that she has worse life than he has. Others turn their backs unable to cope with the situation. Somewhere in the middle of the scene stands a woman who understands that her son is one who must learn life the hard way. He is unable to grow because he wants to be shielded and forgiven and excused. Somewhere there are good strong Mothers who know they must not rescue their sons or their sons will continue to believe the lies they have told themselves and there for lose everything that their prayers convince God to send.

If this poem is truly for a friend stand solidly beside her and encourage her to let her son learn the full lesson without being rescued or indulged. That doesn't mean never help him but do not "serve his time" for him.

If instead it is a poem for the sake of a poem... it needs a lot of work.

I want to assume this is a statement about a personal experience, and expressing it might not strictly be something we should judge,,,But you have asked.

Finessing, formating, checking and correcting spelling are all evident needs in the piece. IE:

"Dispair,like a vampires cloak,
envelopes me into darkness,"

DESPAIR

I suggest you could have found alternatives to Vampire, as it doesn't correlate at all, though "Cloak" can still work.

"Envelopes me into darkness" bothers me.

Envelopes me IN darkness perhaps?

Draws me into darkness and holds me, cloaked?

Surrounds me?

Then there are the rhyme issues, eratic in this piece, and perhaps no so relevent that they even have to be included.

The context of the piece suggests Despair obviously, and some level of the inevitable, but need not strictly be lyrical.

Are the sentiments valid? Probably. Have you expressed them poetically? Not exactly.

Steven Wolf
just my two "sense"

thats FABULOUS!

ive heard that before coz my m8 sent it to me in a chain letter a few years ago!