Tonight I want to write something and need the writer inside me to speak so much that I don't have any more desire to speak about love and the pain it may cause!. But the moment I start writing or even start pressing the first keyboard button about Love, I get confused!. Why!? I should never get confused cause love is a universal, simple and so common thing!. Yes, it might be but whatever happened to me, it made the love just an illusion that one can only see or talk about in movies or other fictional books!. In reality, I tried to love someone but failed so miserably that I wish I did not exist at all!. This experience was so awkward and so unbelievably terrible one that my soul, body and experience of life, everything seemed like nothing!. I was treated like a piece of trash and thrown away in such a merciless way that I kept wondering what the hell did I do wrong by loving someone!? I think I don't know what love is and how to love!. I just tried my level best to do everything good and probably crossed some physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries as well to go beyond the current definition of love!. But I failed, I think "failure" is a smaller word!. The best way to describe my failure is "tragedy" just like someone dying!. I had never opened my heart before in front of any woman and this was my first time that I opened my heart and put it in a lovely way in front her!. But unfortunately, the way my heart was played with or truly fooled with, I just got so much shocked and embarassed that I forgot how to collect the shattered pieces of myself whichever were left on the ground once she went out of my life!. I had a huge attraction to her, not just physically but mostly spiritually!. Since I loved her, hence even her evils looked so wonderful!. But unfortunately, I was wrong all the way from the start until the end!. She, herself did not know who is she!. She was having anti-depressent medicine on a daily basis and she had a history of breakeups!. I knew all that but I thought that I can handle even worst cases than her!. But I was proven wrong, especially when my heart was involved!. If I was an Amir who was a cold-hearted guy, she'd be begging me right now just to talk, but I had experimented first time with my heart with her which back-fired to me in such a horrible way that I could not stand the ground and fell like a worthless straw!. The whole life and purpose of life seemed crushing my very existance!. I became so weak that without any need, tears would always be ready to come out of my eyes and I'd be always ready to yell, scream, cry and hurt myself physically!. That was the biggest embarassment of my life and I will always remember this as the most painful lesson of my life whereby I should never ever ever present my heart to be played, trashed and abandoned out there just like it meant nothing!.
I'd like to forget it as a horrible dream!. But my soul from deep inside suffered due to this, hence, I know this is going to have a hugely profound impact and effect on my personality for the rest of my life!. I just wish and pray that the way my heart was played with and trashed, I don't do that to anyone out there!. I just am so much scared of my own revengeful feeling that I would never ever involve my heart with any woman out there again, because there is no heart left after this tragedy of life and I'd be giving her nothing but a piece of flesh and blood!.
I am terrified forever and my life seems so much insecure!. I feel weak and broken!. I wish these negative and pessimistic feelings go away as soon as possible so that I can help others such as my parents, kids, family, friends, needy ones or anyone out there!. I am so much ashamed in front of myself that I know the reason behind people committing suicide how would they be feeling at the last moments when they finished their own life with their own hands!. I came very close to suicide but until the time of writing these words, my body remains alive!. However, my soul seems dead now and it is strange that this body is still moving around, working in office, and talking to people!.
For some, this is a "pity party", but for someone whose life is destroyed, this is so much "pity"!. I wish nobody gives his heart to a woman like I did, I pray that and I will try to spread this message to every man I see whoever seems falling in love with a woman!. I know this is negative and pessimistic view but I'd like to save someone's life!. Otherwise, people's lives are mercilessly played with and such women simply go ahead by "moving on" leaving those poor men's corpse behind with their hearts shattered on the ground!.
If this is love, please never ever try to love someone or try to get involved in someone like I did!. I am a living tragedy as an evidence and as a witness to the most horrible and terrible thing that can happen to any living soul on earth!.
Wishing you a life without a woman's love,
AmirWww@QuestionHome@Com