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Question: Moonlight Bells--the Short Story version--do you like it!?
The Story of Moonlight Bells, Can Man Fool Nature!?
A Short Story By Warren Domke
With Cultural Assistance from Yang Fan, Shenyang, China
Long ago, under a dynasty few remember, and which history barely records, there was a village in a valley surrounded by mountains!. On a hillside overlooking the village there was a temple, whose priests greeted each evening with the saying of prayers and the ringing of temple bells!.
On another hillside nearer the town stood a small house, whose windows opened to the heavens!. This was the home of the village’s astrologer and seer!. He dwelt alone in the house, his gaze and attention directed to the heavens!.
Nobody knew exactly when Xian Zhi acquired his ability to read the stars and foretell the future, but it must have been many years before he came to the village in the valley to become its Seer and fortuneteller!.
He lived in a house on a hill overlooking the community of several thousand souls, and he lived alone—for it was his lot to live only in the company of the stars and sky!. His house was filled with charts and tables to help him track the movement of the constellations and other heavenly bodies!.
While still a boy he learned of his gift and was apprenticed to an old seer who taught him to trace the paths the stars and planets took through the heavens and to learn how the interaction of these bodies affected the lives of mortals!. He learned quickly and soon became wise and all-seeing!.
The people of the village learned to come to him for advice and to help them name their babies!. He chose names that help assure good fortune in their lives ahead—it is even today the tradition of these valley people!.
Many evenings he would climb the neighboring hills and mountains, to better observe the heavenly bodies whose movements predicted future and fortunes!. Xian Zhi knew his trade well, and the village prospered as a result of his skills!. But sometimes he wished he knew the company and love of a woman!.
On a still night he could hear the temple bells in the distance, and he could see the activities of the men, women and children of the village!. It was this way for many years, and Xian Zhi was much beloved of the people of the valley town!. Each year the rice harvest was plentiful, and the townspeople traded for meats and poultry and the other items they wished to have—cloth, tools and the many things the village needed!.
She was born in the spring, a fortunate baby!. Her father was a seller of jade and other precious items, whose business prospered as the village enjoyed the bounty of its crops!. She was a lovely baby, delicately formed and alert!.
The girl was born in the Year of the Serpent under a near full moon!. A beautiful infant, but her parents frowned at her gender and beauty; for her father had wanted a boy, and her mother was equally disappointed at her failure to produce a son for her husband!.
But still the mother and father carried the newborn child to the home of the Seer so that she might be properly named!. It was early evening and the temple bells sang their distant song!.
The mother and father entered his home and presented the baby to him!. “Who is this!?” he whispered at her tiny face!.
“That is for you to tell us,” said the mother!. “Choose a name that will bring her and us good fortune, and you will be amply rewarded!.”
Xian Zhi gazed upon the baby girl and consulted his charts and tables before choosing as her name “Yue Ling,” which means “Moonlight Bells!.” Wistfully he gazed at her!. She had captured his heart!. But he knew he must keep this love a secret!. The parents agreed to the name and paid him in gold!. He put the money in a small chest he kept in his room!.
When the family had gone Xian Zhi sighed heavily!. Again he felt the loneliness of his life and the solitude of his existence!. That night he walked up the road toward the mountain pass above the valley and took a trail to a nearby mountaintop!. He vowed to be true to his heart and true to his calling, and to keep his love a secret!. He prayed to the gods for guidance and help, and they seemed to understand!.
“I ask for the ability to make time stand still for me and to speed it up for her,” he prayed!. “I pray for a meeting time and place!.” If the gods had an answer for him they did not share it!.
Time passed slowly, and yet in some ways quickly, for such is the way of China, where opposites often travel together!. Yin and yang!. The gods understood this ancient principle of life!.
And Xian Zhi was blessed in every way, as was his village!. In the years ahead the village prospered with plenty of rice and traded for duck and chicken and other meats!. The people were happy!. They wore fine clothes and built their fine houses!.
Sometimes Xian Zhi, the Seer, would walk down the street as people greeted him happily!. They clearly appreciated his wisdom and the good fortune he continued to bring the village and its people!. For now theyWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
A very interesting story!. To me it needs more development, more mystery added to the tale!. What you have penned is a great start and a large undertaking!. I commend you!. I made notes throughout the story with ( ) to highlight!. If I just high lighted with no explanation, it means I feel it should be deleted!. This is worth the effort to really make it shine!. Greatness!.!.!.is in the details!
The Story of Moonlight Bells, Can Man Fool Nature!?
A Short Story By Warren Domke
With Cultural Assistance from Yang Fan, Shenyang, China
Long ago, under a dynasty few remember, and which history barely records, there was a village in a valley surrounded by mountains!. On a hillside overlooking the village (there) was a temple, (whose) priests greeted each evening with (the saying of) prayers and the ringing of temple bells!.
(On another hillside nearer the town stood a small house, whose windows opened to the heavens!. This was the home of the village’s astrologer and seer!. He dwelt alone in the house, his gaze and attention directed to the heavens!.
Nobody knew exactly when Xian Zhi acquired his ability to read the stars and foretell the future, but it must have been many years before he came to the village in the valley to become its Seer and fortuneteller!.)(could use better development)
He lived in a house on a hill overlooking the community of several thousand souls, (and he lived) alone—for it was his lot to live only in the company of the stars and sky!. His house was filled with charts and tables (to help him)(better phrase) track the movement of the constellations and (other) heavenly bodies!.
While still a boy he learned (of his)(he had a!?) gift and was apprenticed to an old seer who taught him to trace the paths the stars and planets took through the heavens and to learn (how) the interaction of these bodies(!?) affected the lives of mortals!. (He learned quickly and soon became wise and all-seeing!.)(He proved gifted, quickly becoming a wise and all-seeing one!.!?)
The people of the village learned to come to him for advice and to help them name their babies!. He chose names that help assure good fortune in their lives ahead—(it is even today the tradition of these valley people!.)(weak)
Many evenings he would climb the neighboring hills and mountains, to better observe the heavenly bodies (whose movements predicted future and fortunes!.)(why include!?) Xian Zhi knew his trade well, and the village prospered as a result of his skills!. (But sometimes he wished he knew the company and love of a woman!.) (weak, develop more)
On a still night he could hear the temple bells in the distance, and (he could) see the activities of the men, women and children (of)(in!?) the village!. It was this way for many years, and Xian Zhi was much beloved of the people (of the valley town!.)(delete) Each year the rice harvest was plentiful, and the townspeople traded for meats and poultry and (the other items )they wished to have—cloth, tools and the (many things)(weak) the village needed!.
(She was born in the spring, a fortunate baby!. Her father was a seller of jade and other precious items, whose business prospered as the village enjoyed the bounty of its crops!. She was a lovely baby, delicately formed and alert!.)(where’s the setup to this!?)
The girl was born in the Year of the Serpent under a near full moon!. A beautiful infant, but her parents frowned at her gender and beauty; for her father had wanted a boy, and her mother was equally disappointed at her failure to produce a son for her husband!.
But still the mother and father carried the newborn child to the home of the Seer (so that) she (might) be properly named!. It was early evening and the temple bells sang (their)(its) distant song!.
The mother and father entered his home and presented the baby( to him!.) “Who is this!?” he whispered at her tiny face!.
“That is for you to tell us,” said the mother!. “Choose a name that will bring her and us good fortune, and you will be amply rewarded!.”
Xian Zhi gazed upon the baby girl and consulted his charts and tables before choosing as her name “Yue Ling,” which means “Moonlight Bells!.” Wistfully he gazed at her!. She had captured his heart!. But he knew he must keep this love a secret!. The parents agreed to the name and paid him in gold!. (He put the money in a small chest he kept in his room!.)(unless later reference, not needed)
When the family had gone Xian Zhi sighed heavily!. Again he felt the loneliness of his life and the solitude of his existence!. That night he walked (up) the road toward the mountain pass (above the valley) and took a trail to a nearby mountaintop!. He vowed to be true to his heart and true to his calling, and to keep his love a secret!. He prayed to the gods for guidance and help, and they seemed to understand!.
“I ask for the ability to make time stand still for me and to speed it up for her,” he prayed!. “I pray for a meeting time and place!.” If the gods had an answer for him tWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow! That was an amazing story! You are a great writer!. That should really be published!. Very creative!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I love this short story as well; to me it works both ways!. I did not need the additional details to see or feel the depth!. But very well done, indeed!. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yes, God always does have the last laugh!. I like this story!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I really like this ! I really do! It tells us not to temp fate!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hi Warren,
Beautiful and sad love story!.
I just would like to say that the gods will have always their last laugh when people believe in reincarnation, suicide, fate, seems to me that god have a sarcastic mood!.
God is pleased to give us resurrection of the dead!.
But this isn't the point!. It's just a commentary :0)
Any way, I love your story!.
Www@QuestionHome@Com
This story is well-written!. It hold the reader's interest, contains both dialogue and narration and divides into short paragraphs!. I cannot attest to the facts behind the story, but other than that, it is a legend with a moral summed up in the last line of the story!. I see absolutely nothing to critique here!. It is very professionally written!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I am posting my reaction as soon as I finished reading the story!.!.!.
I loved the first version better!.!.!.
The second version is too long and repeats things more than once!.!.!.
also in one sentence you say the town traded for things they "wished" for and in the second part of the same sentence you say they traded for the things they "needed"!.!.!.
I also feel this line should read!.!.!."Seasons came and went"!.!.!.Not "Seasons came and left"!.!.!.
Why did you post your response to "Ernie" twice!?
Www@QuestionHome@Com
This is so much fuller and richer than the first posting which I also liked very much!. The eternal longing and love which do not die no matter what the gods do!. Well written, Warren! Thanks!.Www@QuestionHome@Com