What can you say about my poem?

Question:poem 4 all close minded people,

how can you say that you are high?
as if others are mountains and you are the sky
when all you have to do is to remain on your mind
to remain on that young mind and to remain unkind

how can you say that you are wise?
as if you are human and others are mice
when the words of others, for you seems useless
when your thoughts are only the one with greatness

how can you say that you are bright?
when others are always wrong and you are always right
and why are you always praising your might?
now that you see the Rulers are small on your sight

why are you always saying "you can"?
when you are using others for the things "you can't"
yet why would you try to ask for the help of others?
when it is always your work that always matter

how can you say that your knowledge is infinite?
when you don"t know even your own limit
yet why did you think that others are behind?
when you dont know how to open your mind

comment pls. thank you!

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: poem 4 all close minded people,

how can you say that you are high?
as if others are mountains and you are the sky
when all you have to do is to remain on your mind
to remain on that young mind and to remain unkind

how can you say that you are wise?
as if you are human and others are mice
when the words of others, for you seems useless
when your thoughts are only the one with greatness

how can you say that you are bright?
when others are always wrong and you are always right
and why are you always praising your might?
now that you see the Rulers are small on your sight

why are you always saying "you can"?
when you are using others for the things "you can't"
yet why would you try to ask for the help of others?
when it is always your work that always matter

how can you say that your knowledge is infinite?
when you don"t know even your own limit
yet why did you think that others are behind?
when you dont know how to open your mind

comment pls. thank you!

I think your poem is lovely. I would like to give you a bit more detailed feedback, so that you can polish it up:

Verse 1 lines 3 and 4 are incomprehensible - your poem should be communicating to your audience. You just need to tweak it a bit, to make it more understandable. The first 2 lines are lovely.

Verse 2 - sort out your grammar - can't say "words seems" - shd be "words seem" and "thoughts are the ones". Otherwise nice.

Verse 3 - the 4th line is a bit flaky and needs a bit of work. Otherwise great.

Verse 4 - should be matters not matter, otherwise fine

Great poem! The only thing I would add is more passion - it will add depth!

You have talent!

Are you in college? Maybe seeking a writing degree?

not bad!

condescending I thought.

some of your rhymes are a little stretched and don't really "flow"... useless/greatness, wise/mice. I would suggest tightening the number of syllables per line and keep them as consistent as possible - i'm seeing lines ranging from 8 to 11 syllables without them corresponding. If two lines rhymed and had the same number of syllables, it would help add structure to your poem.

there's some kind of "zing" that's missing. one of the other answers described it as passion, I might describe it as dynamics, but whatever "it" is, it's missing.

My biggest question here is - so what? What's going to keep this other person from being all that? Where is your response? Why should I care about this person and how they relate to you? Can you make this poem "pop" any more?

Let me put it this way... what is the theme? You are talking about this person like they think they're way up there and everyone else is down there - but you use a different contrast each time with nothing in common each time. It gives kind've a scattered feel to the poem that keeps it from having a strong impact.

hmmm....

I just reread the last stanza. All throughout this poem you develop the theme that this person thinks they are "all that" and everyone else "isn't". In the last stanza, though, you say "well, you don't even know your own limit" and actually assert that "others are behind". The first statement says that this person actually has unrealized potential and the second says that they are better than at least some other people. These statements really undercut the message of your poem.

I would strongly recommend some rewriting. Is this person actually just like everyone else, or is this person not as good as most people, or is this person far worse, just in denial (like some of those American Idol singers)?

Good luck, keep writing!

Saul